Saturday 31 May 2014

One Direction Blamed For Drugs Shortage

Stoke is currently facing a massive shortage of drugs after One Direction fans bought up most of the city's supply. After boyband members Terry and Kevin were caught on video using smoking marijuana, One Direction fans have been buying it in their droves to be closer to their role models.

"Like all fans, I copy exactly what my heroes do," says Louise Shrimpy, 13. "That's why I got lots of tattoos and am now on the spliff."

One Direction, yesterday

"I want to get a handie from Natalie Imbruglia like Harry got. That would be awesomesauce," adds Leeanne Turder, 12, from Fenton.

"I'd have no probs sucking off Simon Cowell to get into a group if that's what it takes," Nigel Goater said. "Just like the boys did."

"1Ders are batshit crazy," drug dealer Dave Plasterer said. "But they're my main users right now so I'm not complaining."

"If you tell them a member of One Direction did it they'll want to do it too," adds Fred Funk, another drug dealer. "I'm selling heroin to 11 year olds. It's fucking awesome."

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