2014 Review: November

Pearl divers in Lake Burslem discovered the shipwreck of the legendary warship HMS Bollock.

HMS Bollock sank at its launch in 1879, after being hit by the ceremonial champagne bottle, and inspired the phrase "to drop a bollock", meaning "to make a mistake". It was one of the first ships made at the Burslem dockyards.

Due to the depth of the water in Phil Taylor Bay, known in nautical circles as "the graveyard of the great lake", the ship hasn't been seen since, but the advanced technology used by local pearl divers has enabled them to dive deeper then the Royal Navy is able to go.

2014 Review: October

Kip Boogers, the first man in Stoke to receive a double hand transplant, took up boxing.

Kip, who lost his hands in a Wii Sports accident, was given the varnished wooden hands as a temporary measure until science can come up with something better. He will fight under the name "The Bogeyman" and will enter arenas to the song 'I Love It' by Icona Pop.

"Frankly, I think it's unfair that someone with rock hard wooden hands should be allowed to fight, but technically it's not against the rules so we have to allow it," Stoke Boxing Board of Control's Ken Cash said.

2014 Review: September

Animal rights activists across the city celebrated when judges at Stoke's highest court, Fenton Magistrates, declared that whale hunting in Lake Burslem was effectively illegal.

"Local by-laws declared that animals can only be hunted quietly in Lake Burlsem using a fishing rod or bare hands," legal expert Kenny Hater said. As this law pre-dated Stoke's constitution, which allows the free hunting of any creature bigger than humans not including horses or dragons, the judges decided on the legal basis of "first come, first served" that this law should stand.

"Yer whaling vessels now serve no purpose on Lake Burslem and are officially fair game for pirates," fish expert Bill Spatz added. "Now be gone. Aye."

Dolphin baiting is still legal however and was recommended by the judges as fun for all the family.

2014 Review: August

Due to the accidental release of a DNA altering pathogen, Stoke's citizens reverted into feuding Neanderthal tribes intent on survival at whatever means necessary. By the time a cure was found, over 200,000 Stokies had perished in the ungodly battles. Only one man was arrested by Staffordshire Police for murders committed during this time while being a neanderthal, a man called Mustapha Islam. Elsewhere, Jonathan Wilkes released a new video on YouTube.

2014 Review: July

Residents of the Chinatown area of Hanley rioted and looted after local UKIP councillor Cob Barries refered to China as "an evil empire" and "crap at sport, especially when you consider their population size". By the time Cllr Barries later apologised to China's ambassador to Stoke, most of Etruria had already been destroyed.

War intensified between North and South Longton after one of the South's war hovercrafts was blown up while on patrol along the restricted zone between the two states.

2014 Review: June

Stoke's latest mission to the Moon ended in tragedy when Starship Colin exploded over the M6, near to the Keele services, killing thousands and leaving much of the area with radiation poisoning. Fortunately, winds from the north pushed the radiation cloud further south, where it eventually settled over Stone, making it largely inhabitable for non insects.

2014 Review: May

The football season finished with Stoke City in a respectable 9th place and Fegg Hayes Vikings as champions. Port Vale went out in the early rounds but could still make the InterToto cup if other teams are kicked out for cheating.

Hurricane Leeanne swept up the River Trent, causing tidal waves which destroyed many of the new beachfront properties built at tax payers expense just days earlier, none of which had planning permission, been insured or sold.

2014 Review: April

A plague of scorpions hit the city, killing indiscriminately as they seized control of some of our most vital and strategically located towns. The scorpions were eventually bested when the Great Fire of Stoke swept through the city finishing off the stinging monsters, and much of the city's surviving human population.

The city council's plan to build beaches along all of both sides of the River Trent was finally completed, 60 years after the project was started.

2014 Review: March

An office worker from Birmingham was fired from his job after sending mail addressed to "Joke-on-Trent". After Stoke's Council of Elders protested, and threatened to refer to Birmingham officially as "Bummingham" in the future, Birmingham's High Command backed down and sacked the worker, leaving him destitute and broken.

2014 Review: February

Prehistoric paintings dating back as much as 30,000 years in the cellar of a house in Packmoor were wallpapered over by the owner, Pete Sparrow.

"They were an eyesore," Mr Sparrow, who bought the house in the 1980s from the city council, said. "Just a load of stick people worshipping some long forgotten gods to prevent a disaster, or something. It looks much better now, a lovely floral pattern. And I was sick of people coming to my gaff wanting to see 'em to be honest."

The paintings were discovered when the council houses were built in the 1970s, but have always belonged to the owners of the house and are unable to be protected, due to a quirk in international law.

2014 Review: January

Much of Stoke was destroyed by a giant earthquake that split the city in two, geographically and philosophically. As the two warring factions, the Hunters and the Warlocks, moved ever closer to using nuclear weapons, the sight of a dog and a cat huddling together for warmth in the middle of the disputed zone brought an end to the conflict and life returned to normal. The quake zone was eventually stapled shut.

Women Urged To Stay Safe

Stoke city councillor Ken Gollies has urged women in the city to stay safe this winter by giving up their jobs to stay at home and raise their families instead.

"It's a jungle out there right now," UKIP Cllr Gollies explained. "Women literally can't walk down the street nowadays with getting titted up or jizzed on by passing immigrant pervs. The best place for them is in the home, where they can be safe and warm."

"We're grateful of Cllr Gollies's interest and shall be passing his advice on to our members," Gaby Neville, leader of Stoke women's rights group Clunge Riot said.

Do They Know It's Christmas?

By Steve Hyde, the people's champion.

I've been down to Africa recently and have witnessed first hand the devastation going on there caused by ebola. The pictures I saw on the TV screen in my hotel at the safari reserve in South Africa were truly shocking. My diamond dealer there promised to give a cut of his profits to charities that will give aid, so I feel like I've done my bit to help. Have you?

It's coming up to the Christmas break for us uni students. This year I have been studying ancient languages, which is the twelfth degree course I've started at Staffs Uni. Not everyone in the world is as lucky to be as educated as me though. Many uneducated Eastern European women are being forced to work as sex slaves in our local brothels and parlours. If you are going to visit one of these places, and we all do it, then please make sure you go with a local girl, let's not fund organised crime.

We have a Christmas tradition in our family that my parents spend the holidays at their estate in Antigua, while I stay at home with the servants. This year will be no different, though most of the servants have asked for Christmas off. As I've got some of the lads coming round for a legendary bender, I don't think I can allow it. So spare a thought for anyone you know who has to work over the holidays.

Shopkeep Bemused By Turkey Sales

Local shopkeep Cedric Nentertainer has expressed surprise at a recent upturn of sales of turkey at his store.

"It's really most bizarre," he said. "I've sold fuck all turkeys all year, then all of a sudden people are buying them like crazy. I can't break their necks fast enough. I don't know what has gotten into people."

Dick Wilkesington

Local legend Jonathan Wilkes has been wowing the crowds in panto this year, let's take a look at some of the reviews left on the relevant internet web page.

"I've seen Olivier do Shakespeare, I've seen Dylan play Woodstock. And now, I've seen Wilkes do panto. Thus, the holy trinity of live entertainment is complete as far as I'm concerned." - Jock, Burslem

"To say that Wilkes owned the stage is no exaggeration, as he actually owns all of Stoke." - Harry Minge, Hanley

"Wilkes is the perfect all-round entertainer. I'm betting he'd be a cracking shag too. Top marks." - Betty, Fegg Hayes

"What would be weak material for a normal performer, Wilkes spins into panto gold, like a mad, innuendo-fuelled alchemist." - Mick Beanstalk, Longton

"God knows what Robbie Williams would think of all of this, but he'd probably love anything Jonathan Wilkes was in." - Jamie Dregs, Trent Vale

Scamps Merchandise

Port Vale have officially unveiled their Christmas merchandise range for 2014, a must for all fans of the club.

The highlight is a new range of fragrances for men and women, which include 'Micky Apres Dark' (Pour Homme) and 'Micky Erotique' (Pour Femme), a pair of fragrances by former Scamps manager Micky Adams, and 'Foyle Infinity', which is for both men and women.

Also available will be unofficial Lego figure play sets for all of the Vale's managers, including John Rudge and Brian Horton. The John Rudge set comes with a knife for stabbing Vale fans in the back with, a cement mixer and a spaceship.

Jewellery, clothes and wallpapers designed by famous Scamps fan "Fingers" Phil Taylor are rumoured to be coming in the new year.

School Closes For Christmas

Students, their parents and staff of St Barry's Primary School in Goms Mill were celebrating this morning after headmaster Terry Orange announced that the school would be closed until the new year, giving them a near four week Christmas holiday!

"After the tragic deaths of over 100 of our students and 12 of our teachers yesterday, when that big train derailed and smashed through the school, killing everyone it its path, we feel it wouldn't be right to continue the school term," Mr Orange said. "We hope the survivors enjoy the extended Christmas break and return on 05 January ready to learn."

Shopkeep Bemused By Sales Trends

Stoke shopkeep Cedric Nentertainer has expressed surprise at a recent upturn of sales of knitwear at his store.

"It's most bizarre," he said. "I've sold little in the way of knitted goods all year, then all of a sudden people are buying anything made of the stuff. I can't stock it fast enough. I really don’t know what has gotten into people."

Gay Man Beats Straightie

"I can't believe what I saw, everything I've ever believed in is a lie." Those are the words of body builder Jock Toshacks, who witnessed gay dancer Jules Swag beat gym trainer Tob Bunnies in an arm wrestling match at a local championship last night.

"This will send shockwaves through the straight community," cultural commentator and anthropologist Nicholas Scrubber said. "It will probably lead to straight people being labelled as being weak or sissy. Straight kids are likely to get bullied in school because of this. IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!"

"Maybe this makes me gay now," losing wrestler Tob said after the bout. "I've never done anything gay before. I've done broral obviously, but that doesn't count."

Stoke Strangler Voted Britain’s Best

Leading local serial killer the Stoke Strangler, whose real identity is still unknown, has been voted Britain's best ever by school children in the city.

"This shows that civic pride is alive and well amongst our nippers," city councillor Jinky Watkins wrote on the city's official website. "This can only be a good thing, especially if we ever go to war and need willing combatants."

The results were: 

Stoke Strangler (75%)

Fred West (12%)

Harold Shipman (5%)

Other (8%)

Last place with no votes was the Cockney Cutter.

Turn The Page!

Women in the city have been reminded to turn over the pages of their Sir Cliff Richard calendars to December to help beckon in the Christmas period.

"Sir Cliff has bossed Christmas for decades," fan Judith Portions enthused. "As soon as you see his lovely face, that's when Christmas truly begins."

"This year our Christmas prayers will have extra poignancy as we will be hoping for Sir Cliff to get let off the legal problems as well as our other wishes," Sir Cliff fan club president Mary Honkers said.

"Only a devil woman could accuse Sir Cliff of such things! Or in this case a devil young boy. Free the Living Doll One!" Judith added.

He's Back!

One of Stoke's most feared and reviled crims, the nawty wittle boy, has resurfaced and terrorised a wedding party in Burslem.

Dressed in his trademark nappy and bonnet, the man, thought to be around 40 years old, stormed into Ballroom 17 at the Burslem Hilton hotel and proceeded to cause chaos.

"While you're down there..."

Pranks included pushing over the uncut wedding cake, claiming the first dance with bride Mandy Pitstop and grabbing the DJ's microphone to make an impromptu best man speech, done in baby talk, and referring to the bride as him mummy.

The man then stood in the middle of the dancefloor and pissed himself, while staring at the bride and groom, before saying his catchphrase ("I been a nawty wittle boy") and running off into the night.

New Bus Timetables

First Midlands has unveiled its new bus timetables and routes for the city, which will go into effect from tomorrow.

The biggest change is that all bus routes will now pass through Fegg Hayes and all bus drivers will have to wear the official new First uniform, which is a Pottermus onesie.

"We're not happy about this," bus driver union spokesman Keith Bepden said. "Aside from looking ridiculous, the uniforms are completely unsuitable for driving in. A driver shouldn't have to worry about being able to see the road or oncoming traffic through the mouth hole of a big hippo suit."

"Easy now," rival First spokesman Tengy Bapfeet replied. "This company is a symbol and representation of Stoke in public transport form, and nothing says Stoke like Pottermus. The uniforms are here to stay, we've had great feedback from customers. Fuck the drivers, the stuck up bastards."

Buttons Unleashed

One of Stoke's most prolific bloggers, the self-styled "average Stokie", Frank Buttons, has decided to write his autobiography following dissatisfaction with the readership numbers of his blog, Buttons Online.

Provisionally entitled Buttons Uncut, or possibly Buttons Unleashed, the book will detail Frank's life in Stoke and personal passions, which include model railways and rock icon Phil Collins. The two chapters about the bald rocker will include one on why Phil is the most underrated and under-appreciated rock star of our times, and the other will simply list Phil's best songs from across his career, as well as anecdotes from Frank about the songs and memories he has of them.

The book will also feature occasional chapters where Frank puts the world to rights, spouting off about immigration, benefit cheats and gays.

Frank will self-publish the book and will release it in time for the busy Christmas market.

Couples Charity Drive

Several couples from Fegg Hayes have got together to help raise money for a local children's charity, the Little Tommy Trust.

The wife swappers will be hosting a free-for-all party this Friday at Fegg Hayes Town Hall, with a £10 entry fee.

Singles are encouraged to join in the fun too. "This is for a good cause so we don't want to discriminate," organiser Barry Hotcakes said. "It's what Little Tommy would have wanted if he hadn't been mauled to death."

ConCon

This past week, Stoke has played host to one of the most important conventions of the year: ConCon, a convention about conventions.

One of the main announcements of the week long event was that Stoke has won the rights to host BronyConUK 2015, one of the most loved and feared shows on the convention circuit.

Bronies are men who love My Little Pony, but in a non-weird or sexual way... or so the press release claims. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever!… the press release says. Again.

BronyConUK 2015 will be held at the Burslem Hilton in July. Tickets are already available to pre-order.

New Stokie Dictionary Announced

The line up for the official 2015 Stokie dictionary has been announced, and word fans can rejoice as many local favourites have been included into Stoke's official vocabulary.

New words that have made the cut include bro*, broral** and bromophobia***.

"These new words reflects Stoke's position as a leading university city as these are mainly words the young people use, especially frat boys and uni students," language expert Clarence Pigpuncher said. "The future is bright, the future is Stoke."

Words that have been left out of the latest dictionary, and as such are no longer considered suitable for use in polite conversations in Stoke, include: assclown, fuckglove, fucktart, scragg-end and shitsocker.

* bro = close friend, party dude

** broral = when one bro sucks off another bro, normally when the bro receiving the sucking off is feeling down. Perceived as homosexual by people who don't understand the special bond between bros, but it isn't

*** bromophobia = a fear of bros, a fear that one of your bros might be gay, or what they do is gay

Staffordshire Police To Take Christmas Break

Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks has confirmed that the force will be closing down over Christmas.

"Because of government cutbacks, and staff wanting time off over Chrimbo, we have decided to close for a couple of weeks from 22 December until 04 January 2015," PC Shanks explained. "Before and after that we will be offering an almost full service. An awesome service, some might say. But for this time period, we won't really be doing anything."

PC Shanks has played down fears that the lack of police will lead to an explosion of crime in the city.

"The facts are that most crims are too lazy to do anything over Christmas," PC Shanks said. "Having bobbies on the beat is kind of pointless. And some of the work local vigilantes have been doing recently is outstanding, real top stuff. You'll be alright, don't worry. These things have a way of working themselves out."

Stoke Illuminations Turned On

The annual switching on of the world famous Stoke Illuminations took place last night in Hanley in front of astonished onlookers and well wishers.

Special celebrity guest Paul Danan did the honours shouting "Light me up, motherfuckers!" as he pressed the switch.

Hanley's War Memorial

The night took a turn for the worse when the event was invaded by middle eastern terrorists, who killed random members of the public and took hostages.

Fortunately, a group of pensioners took matters into their own hands, beating up the terrorists with hammers and burning their dead bodies.

Robbie Williams's Wife Shits Out Another Kid

Congratulations to famous Stokie Robbie Williams, whose foreign wife Ayda has given birth to the couple's second nipper.

How Mrs Williams got pregnant is not yet clear, though it may have involved unprotected SEX, possibly by a roaring fireplace in a rustic mansion, or possibly down an alleyway in Fegg Hayes. The involvement of Jonathan Wilkes is not yet clear.

Eastenders Is Rubbish Admits Former Cockney

One of the few licensed cockneys in Stoke has admitted that Eastenders is rubbish and is only watched by idiots.

Jimmy Knives, who renounced London and its ways in 2003 when he took on Stoke citizenship, told a conference on foreign cultures that Eastenders is shit.

"Eastenders was made by cockneys to dissuade northerners from coming down to visit by showing everyone what London is really like," Knives told the crowd. "Somehow, the show took off and people like it. They keep making it shitter every year but it makes no difference. It's like crack cocaine for lazy idiots."

Knives claims he has received death threats from cockneys for revealing the truth but says he will continue campaigning against cockney culture.

Stoke To Move To Decimal Time

Stoke City Council has reminded Stokies that the city will move to decimal time from tomorrow.

"Now is the time," city councillor for public disobedience Ted Tart said. "The time is now. Literally."

Under the new Stoke calendar, there will 10 hours a day, each hour boasting an impressive 100 minutes. Each minute will last 100 seconds.

Each month will contain 100 days, broken down into 10 weeks of 10 days. The 10 days of the week will now be known as Monday, Twosday, Threesday, Fourday, Fiveday, Sixday, Davejohnsonday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The weekend will be 3 days: Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

The 10 months that make up the year are to be known as Onuary, Twuly, Thirch, Fourpril, Fivember, Sixuary, Sevuary, August, Ninetember and Tentober.

Stokies are advised to change the settings on all their clocks and watches to the new system.

City Council Approves Name Changes

Stoke City Council has approved a bunch of name changes for many roads and places in the city.

Sir Jimmy Savile Road, in Boothen, will be renamed Angry Pulis Avenue, and Jimmy Savile Street in Tunstall will now be known as Ted Hankey Street. The Sir Jimmy Savile Memorial Garden in Etruria will keep its name until a suitable local celebrity dies.

Stuart Hall Street in Burslem is to be known as Wayne Biggins Street, and Max Clifford View in Trentham is to be renamed as Peter Crouch End. Dr Fox Road in Bentilee has temporarily been renamed Foxy Bingo Road pending the outcome of police enquiries. Rolf Harris Road in Shelton is now Brian Blessed Road.

The city council has confirmed that it has no plans though to change the names of Cliff Richard Road, Sir Cliff Street, Sir Cliff Richard Avenue, Bachelor Boy Botanical Gardens, Devil Woman Street, Living Doll Road or Sir Cliff Cliff. "Innocent until proven guilty," council spokesman Jinky Watkins explains. "And we all know Sir Cliff didn't do it. We can rest easy on this one."

"Gay For The Day" A Big Success

Stoke City Council has declared yesterday's 'gay for the day' initiative as having been a big success.

Held to raise awareness of gay rights and equality, and the stupidity of homophobia, the council encouraged everyone in the city to try being gay to see how it feels.

"We estimate an extra 10,000 Stoke men actually went all the way with another man for the first time yesterday," councillor Steve "Kinky" Jeffries announced. "Well done to them. The old ways are the best. Also, around 50,000 men in the city acted camper than normal, and several thousand more wore women's clothes. We're not really sure why they did that, wearing women's clothes doesn't make you gay. Nor why some people chose to black up either. That's a bit of a stretch."

Many women got in on the act too. Reports say that many young women were spotted at several nightclubs across the city lezzing off with each other, most likely as a way of showing their support, and in no way just to get attention for themselves from men.

Due to an administrative error, no money has been raised from the initiative, nor any of Stoke's anti-gay laws repealed.

Drug Dealer Holds Sale

Local drug dealer "Camp John" has slashed his prices to welcome new students to the city!

"Moving away from home to a new city is a frightening challenge for any young person," Camp John explains. "My 25% discount will help the youngsters build their self confidence, making it easier for them to settle in and make friends."

"Let's be BFFs"

"We commend Camp John on this initiative and will be recommending students pay him a visit," Staffordshire University student adviser Charlotte Baiser says. "We hope this will encourage other businesses in the city to follow suit."

The sale will last until the end of October, and students will have to present their NUS student card to claim their discount.

Dogging Season Coming To An End

Stokies have been advised to get some dogging in quick, before the weather gets too cold!

"The arrival of autumn sees the dogging season begin to die down," Dogging Society spokesman Terry Snatch said. "We recommend you get as much now as you can."

This year has seen steady growth in the dogging recreation sector, with an estimated 50% of Stoke men and 25% of Stoke women said to have taken part, making it one of Stoke's biggest participant and spectator sports.

"Dogging is big in Stoke, very big," Terry adds. "We're considering bidding for the 2018 European Championships. We have the city council's backing."

Turkey Votes For Christmas

A turkey from Stoke has broken ranks and voted for Christmas.

"I've had enough, just eat me now," Barry Turkey said. "I really can't be bothered to carry on any more. Just end it."

The annual vote by the NUT [National Union of Turkeys] normally returns a 100% vote against Christmas, but this year that number is expected to drop to around 99.999999%.

"We're disappointed by Barry Turkey's vote," NUT spokesturkey Terry Turkey commented. "But this is a democracy so we respect his right to vote against our recommendation."

#Stoke

Stoke is always trending on social networks, everyone knows that. Here's a round up of some of the best recent Stoke tweets on Twitter.

Fiona Davis (@PhoneSexHoneyUK) - "PHONE SEX HONEYS: Naughty News #derby #nottingham #stoke"

Liam Barnes (@LiamapBarnes) - "If you are in #Stoke today, big event is premiere of Oatcakes!"

Stokey Fan (@Stokeyf) - "There's nothing you cant get or do in #stoke why go anywhere else?"

Sam (@_ImSimplySam) - "In the space of one minute ive been asked for spare change and if im a twin... #stoke"

Grego (@grego___) - "duas descobertas acerca de Gordon Banks. Ele jogou meio ano num timeco da africa do sul chamado Hellenic, e varios anos no #meu #stoke #city"

It's Fappening Again

Local good egg Terry Seagull has vowed taken a stance against internet thieves and pornographers and is helping women's charities in the process!

"When 'the fappening' happened, I decided that I wanted no part of it," Terry said. "Even though the temptation was strong, very strong, I wanted to show my respect to the famous bitches and whores whose pictures were stolen."

For every woman who sends Terry a picture of herself recreating any of the fappening pictures of celebrities, including stars such as Jennifer Lawrence and Kaley Cuoco, Terry will donate £5 to local women's groups.

"This way, local women who need help will get it, and the women who make the pictures will be empowered and feel glamorous like the celebrities whose pictures they are copying," Terry explained. "Everyone's a winner."

Adams Leaves Scamps

Port Vale manager Micky Adams, 52, has left his role at the club with mutual consent, with it being rumoured he is going to pursue a career in dance.

"Micky is a beautiful classical dancer, in some ways more beautiful than the football his teams play, if that's possible," Scamps fan Dave Murray said at Micky's leaving party. "I've seen many performances, they always bring me to horrible tears."

Adams, 55, who was rumoured to be the highest paid manager in English football on £10 million per year, is also rumoured to be on the verge of announcing the creation of his own dance company, Micky & Co.

"I don't think Micky's 59-year-old heart is with the Vale anymore," Murray added. "It's with the Lake. Swan Lake."

Stoke Offers Troops To Scotland

Stoke's governing Council of Elders has offered the city's troops to Scotland if they are needed in the event of a war, should the northern state, famous for haggis, sectarian football violence and Billy Connollys, be successful in gaining independence from the rest of the UK.

The move could be viewed by some as an act of war by Stoke against England and the UK, but Council of Elders spokesman Kenny Badgers denies this.

Just what is it good for?

"What we have here is a classic case of misunderstanding," Mr Badgers said. "We just happen to be sending troops to Scotland on leave as the referendum is happening. Anything our brave boys choose do in their spare time there is up to them, whether it be to eat a deep fried Mars bar, take heroin or kill a load of English soldiers."

Stoke declared independence from the UK in 1974 but was defeated in the subsequent war leading to the uneasy alliance that continues to this day. The Council of Elders denies it is doing any of this to gain revenge on the UK

North Longton To Vote On Independence

Rogue Stoke state North Longton is to hold a referendum about breaking away from the Stoke Union, its "glorious" leader Den Biggins has announced.

"I don't know where this idea came from, it just hit me one day," Biggins told viewers of North Longton’s state TV channel. "Under my rule, Longton will ascend from the union and set out to rule the world."

"North Longton will not be allowed to go independent, whatever the result of this illegal vote," a spokesman for Stoke’s ruling Council of Elders said. "We own North Longton and will continue to do so long after all of you are dead."

The vote will be held the day before the vote for Scottish independence, whenever that is.

The Fappening: Stoke

It isn't just Hollywood stars like Jennifer Lawrence who have had their phones and online photo storage targeted by hackers, as some local celebrities can attest!

Pictures have now been released of Sue Gofton, city councillor for ethics and morals, which show her masturbating over the illegally obtained photos of Jennifer Lawrence that hit the internet last week. "These pics were private and uploaded to what I thought was a secure place," Cllr Gofton explained. "They were meant for private use so that I could download them and wank over them at a later unspecified date. They were not for other people to wank over."

Signal Gold breakfast co-host and former glamour model and occasional medium class escort Kimberley Scragg was shocked when she discovered pictures of herself getting spit-roasted by two strangers in a barn, while searching for pictures of herself on Tumblr. "Those pictures were private and were for future blackmail against the men involved. My privacy and future earnings have been ruined because of some pesky, horny kids."

Celebrities in Stoke have been urged to keep their private sex pics and tapes in less hackable places, such as pantries or lofts.

Pottermusses Beat Human Rights Abusers, World Rejoices

Stoke City fans have been celebrating over the weekend after beating Premier League champions Manchester City 1-0 away from home.

New signing Mame Biram Diouf scored the winning goal at the end of a 70 yard run making the Mancs, known as "Citeh" or "the human rights abusers", look stupid in the process.

"I fucking hate Citeh," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed said. "To figuratively go to their gaff, pull their pants down and tickle their balls right in front of their ugly, slack-jawed fans is one of the great joys of life. We were literally 'mad for it'. Our kid. Etc."

Rugby Fan Admits Error

Tab Brownlee, one of the few rugby fans in Stoke, has admitted the error of his ways and started to like football instead.

"If I'm honest, I said I liked rugby once just to be awkward," the events planner from Stockton Brook said. "It became a thing people associated with me so I just kept up the lie."

Tab has already bought some official Stoke City socks and pants and hopes to attend his first football match this season.

"Living a lie for so long is tiring," Tab admits. "I'm looking forward to relaxing and enjoying sport for a change."

Fighting League Returns

The English Fighting League returns today after its summer break with Stoke hoping to cement its reputation as one of the country's leading teams.

"We're up for the new season, big time," team captain Gavin Cockerill told reporters. "We've got a great new crop of youngsters to replace the dead ones from last year and we're hoping for a European place for next season."

"A city like Stoke deserves to be fighting in Europe," team manager Pete Mycock added. "The fact that we hate foreigners so much makes Europe the perfect place for us."

The fixtures for the English football season have been brought into line with the Fighting League this year after complaints from fans of both sports.

Pulis Hates Cockneys

Stoke City management legend Tony Pulis has stunned the football world by leaving Crystal Palace after only ten months as their gaffer.

"Even though I'm a Scamps [Port Vale] fan, I love and admire Pulis," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board said. "Though no reason has been given, I think we all know why; it's because TP has grown to hate London and its filthy Cockney inhabitants."

"London is a viper's nest full of tricksters, thieves and whores," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed added. "And that's just the nice ones. I'm amazed Tony lasted this long to be honest. I'd have gone on a killing spree after ten months in that shithole."

Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has been contacted for his reaction but is too shocked to speak.

In Profile: Bojan

Stoke City's big signing of the Summer has been forward Bojan, but how much do we know about the diminutive Spaniard? Let's take a look.

Full Name: Bojangles Barry Krkic

Born: 28 August 1990, Linyola (Spain)

Former Clubs: Barcelona, Roma, AC Milan (loan), Ajax (loan)

Career Games: 280

Career Goals: 66

Favourite TV: Foyle's War

Favourite Film: Weekend At Bernie's

Favourite Album: Phil Collins - "...Hits"

Favourite Kardashian: Khloe

Party Trick: Can fit his entire fist in his mouth

Wish You Were Here?

Burslem has copyrighted and trademarked the phrase "The English Riviera" as it bids to become one of the country's top holiday hotspots.

"Everyone knows us as the English Riviera anyway, this just cements the deal," Mayor of Burslem Frank Goober announced to crowds outside of Burslem Town Hall. "We have big plans."

Those plans include the building of statues of Robbie Williams and Jonathan Wilkes hugging and a giant hotel in the shape of a Pokéball.

"With these, we will pretty much have all tourism bases covered when added to what we already have in the town," Mayor Goober explained.

Spudulike Scandal

Potato rights groups are protesting about how the vegetables are treated by the fast food outlet Spudulike in the Potteries Centre.

"They're killing them purely for profit, it's ridiculous and has to stop," activist Pippa Pronto said. "If we treated humans like this, we wouldn't tolerate it, so why is it acceptable for potatoes? They're living beings too."

"They're farming lots of them in small spaces, it's totally inhumane," Barnaby Pfunk added. "No-one should be forced to live like that. And they top it off by killing them by cooking them alive in a microwave. It's an outrage!"

Spudulike has so far refused to comment.

Big Mama's House

Everyone loves Stoke City legend Mamady "Big Mama" Sidibe, and with good reason. Well, now we can all show our love for him in more ways than waving from the touchline and singing obscene songs on a Saturday afternoon as the star has opened his own patisserie called 'Melice' in the Potteries Shopping Centre, just along from the Yankee Candle shop.

On offer are authentic French baked goods and traditional soft drinks such as Tizer. Stoke City manager Mark Hughes and current players attended the grand opening, making it the most star-studded event of the summer.

Biggins Takes Over Tumblr

Stoke City football legend Wayne Biggins has had his fair share of fan clubs and fanzines in his time, but now, he is set to conquer a whole new territory: Tumblr!

http://waynebiggins.tumblr.com

A new Tumblr page dedicated to "the original white Pele" has been set up called The Legend of Wayne Biggins, which you can access via the link above. It has proved a sensation with fans old and new and is fast becoming the go-to site for Wayne fans.

Stoke Wins Commonwealth Games Contract

Athletes from the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent may not be able to compete in the Commonwealth Games because of its declaration of independence from the UK and Commonwealth in 1974, but an entrepreneur from the city has won the contract to be the official gun supplier to the games!

"I've recently come into the possession of several pistols," Simon Gump explained. "The people I was going to sell them to have had to go away for a few years so I was at a loose end. As soon as I saw the Commonwealth Games were coming, I saw my chance."

Simon's guns will be used as starter pistols at the games, currently taking place in Glasgow in Northern England, as well as being back-up guns in the shooting events.

"I also told them I could have gotten hold of steroids for the athletes too but they weren't interested," Simon added. "I think someone else must have got that contract."

Chavs Accused Of Infiltrating Schools

Stoke City Council is under pressure to intervene after reports that extremist chav groups had infiltrated free schools in the city.

"We take accusations like this very seriously and will be asking around to get the word on the street," city councillor Jinky Watkins told reporters via satellite from his holiday home in Barbados.

It is alleged that chav groups have been going into local schools, giving assemblies where they make vague and untrue assumptions about foreigners, make students in art classes paint Burberry patterns and encourage bullying and violence against "fancy dans" and hipsters.

"They're trying to convert children to the chav lifestyle," education expert Gary Battlefield explains. "Normally this is done through internet propaganda on sites like Facebook, and we should be worried they are now targeting our kids directly. Chavs: leave our kids alone!"

Stoke To Be Fully Concrete By 2020

Stoke City Council has laid down ambitious plans for the city to be completely concreted by the year 2020.

"Concrete is the future," city councillor for the environment Max Sleazely said. "Trees and grass might have been OK when Robin Hood was roaming around Stoke but the world has moved on and so shall we. No bad can possibly come from this."

How Stoke will look in 2020.
Pigeon not to scale.

Project architect Ralph Milne explains further. "I see those movies and games of a dystopian future and I think, 'That's how I want Stoke to look'. That's my vision."

"It won't all be concrete of course," Councillor Sleazely adds. "There will be tarmac too."