It's A Fix!

Stoke has been reeling all week after Anthea Turner, known locally as "the people's princess", was voted off ITV1 show 'Dancing On Ice' last Sunday night.

"I'm devastated," said city councillor Jinky Watkins, Stoke's special envoy to Anthea Turner. "And the fact she lost to a dickhead like Cheggers makes it even worse. My Sundays, and maybe even my life, are literally ruined now."

Anthea showed why she has been voted Stoke's sexiest woman on so many occasions, wowing viewers with her supple curves and firm hard-body, moving in such a way as to subtly let viewers know that she is a skilled and accomplished lover, a master in the erotic arts and a connoisseur of the pleasures of the flesh.

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following request to EYE ON STOKE readers:

"I bought a Blueberry muffin from Tesco last week but it had no blueberries in it. I don’t know if this was a one-off or is part of some sort of conspiracy. If you would like to discuss this then go to Tesco to open some of their muffins to check, meet me by the Stanley Matthews statue in Hanley at 4pm this Saturday. I will be wearing black tracksuit trousers and a black leather jacket. Make sure you bring enough money with you to buy at least 10 blueberry muffins."

Anger As City Council Takes Down Confederate Flag

There's been widespread protests an looting in Stoke after a recent decision by the city council to only fly the confederate flag outside of official buildings for two days a week.

"This is an outrage of a mockery," said protester Susan Amy. "I didn't literally die in the civil war so the council could literally shit all over my face like this."

Council spokesman Jamie Julian said the council took this move as a way to ease tensions in the community. "Some people don't like the flag and it's connections with racism and slavery. Or the fact that we are still flying a flag for an America that no longer exists in 21st Century Britain."

Protesters have vowed to continue their protests and have promised to petrol bomb any American embassies or Starbucks stores in the city.

City Council To Freeze Benefits For Cheats

It has been reported that Stoke City Council is planning a freeze on raises to benefit payments for people who cheat the system.

The announcement comes as the council introduced a wide range of measures to reduce its budget, under direct pressure from Chancellor Gideon Osborne, who has promised to personally turn up at council offices every day and make a nuisance of himself if budget cutbacks aren't made.

"It's about time these caps were brought in," said white van man Terry Nutter. "I don't see why benefit cheats should get a rise in line with inflation while I'm working my nads off doing cash-in-hand work to avoid paying taxes and am yet again getting a below-inflation year-on-year salary increase."

Stoke Expects Oscar Nods

The major players in Stoke's film industry have played down talk of Oscar glory after several local films have been linked to glory.

Gangster film 'Lincoln', starring Danny Dyer, has been much touted in the press as an award winner and is regularly trending on Twitter.

"We knew we were onto a winner once Dyer signed on," said producer Phil Umney. "I think this could be the year that the lad finally gets the nod from his peers."

Meanwhile, rapper Geoffrey has talked up his chances of winning the Oscar for best music video for his song 'It Takes A Nation of Billions To Hold Us Bags'. "This is my time," he told Signal Gold breakfast show host Mad Mick. "I can feel it."

2012 Review: December

December means only one thing for Stokies: Christmas! And increased binge drinking. Unfortunately, Christmas was cancelled in the city this year as the City Council had left the pagan celebration off its official calendar for the year, and due to the city's constitution, was unable to add it after the year had begun.

Stokies reacted badly to this by rioting for over two weeks, only stopping for the start of the PDC Darts World Championship, which features several Stokies.

The year ended in terrifying manner for Stokies when a bus containing serial killers and paedophiles was hijacked and the deviants went on the rampage, killing and molesting as they went. They are still on the run.