Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Royal Bank Of Stoke Tax Evasion

One of Stoke's biggest banks, the Royal Bank of Stoke, has admitted using HSBC’s Swiss accounts as a way of avoiding tax.

"A few years ago, we announced pre-tax profits of £100 billion, with post-tax profits being exactly the same number. Nobody said anything at the time or thought anything off about that so we carried on doing it," the bank said in a statement published in the classified section of the Sentinel.


The bank, which has the royal seal of approval from the monarchy of Uzbekistan, has promised to start paying some tax once it gets its accounts in order.

"Most of our accountants now live in Switzerland, so communicating with them is a problem," Hanley branch manager Tek Grimley explained. "When they're back over here visiting though, we'll set them to work right away on setting up the tax stuff."

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Condom Sales Fall For Valentines

Sales of condoms in the city have fallen sharply in the run up to Valentine's Day, the city council has said.

"Most men know their women are gonna put out anyway, so now's as good a time as ever to try to talk her into letting them have a go without saddling up," relation expert and EYE ON STOKE columnist Uncle Terry commented. "And while they're at it, may as well try to pop it up t'other as well."

"Most condoms sold in the city are used as balloons anyway," full time cynic Jim Schrute said. "This means nothing."

Friday, 13 February 2015

Shopkeep Surprised By Sales Rise

Local retailer Cedric Nentertainer has expressed bemusement at the recent upturn in sales of various gifts at his shop.


"For some reason, I'm getting a rush on flowers and chocolates," he said. "I've sold fuck all lately too. These people are idiots. The flowers are gonna wilt if they're not in the ground. And this is not planting season."

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Wife Beating Increase Blamed On Fifty Shades Of Grey

A recent increase in incidents of wife beating in the city have been blamed on the 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' book and film franchise.

"I never realised how sexy getting smacked around was until I read the books," local housewife Tina Backslash said. "Now I love it. It's so trendy, all my girlfriends are doing it."

"My hubbie turned a room in our flat into a red room," Lisa Nanker said. "It's got a Black & Decker workbench, his stash of pornos, his password protected PC and his football boot collection in it. It's so hot. I can't wait for him to smack me in there one day, rather than just beat me in the living room."

An estimated 50% of Stoke husbands already beat their wives, a decline of 10% on this time 100 years ago, according to official figures. This figure is expected to increase dramatically when the film is released this weekend.

"We've been going in the right direction this past century," councillor Katy Terry said. "This kind of thing puts us right back like a bunch of twats."

Sunday, 11 January 2015

Stokemon

A group of local nerds are seeking funding to make a new video game they think will take off in a big way.

"The game will be an rpg called Stokemon," designer Barry Bosted explains. "You will play the main character called Dave Ketchup, who comes from a broken home but finds refuge as a footy hooligan. You must then travel round the country defeating (and capturing to join your gang) wild hooligans and trying to defeat the 15 rival gangs on their home turf. After completing that, you get to take on the Champions League Four, to find out once and for all who is the real champion of champions."

The game will initially be released in two versions: Stokemon Red and Stokemon White. In the red version, the antagonists will be Team Crewe, while in the white version, it will be Team Vale.

"We've not been inspired by Pokemon in any way, the suggestion is ludicrous," game creator Nigel Pledge says. "This is an entirely different type of game."

Sunday, 4 January 2015

Anna Kendrick, Dream Girl

Hollywood has confirmed that rising star, and American sweetheart, Anna Kendrick is to be distributed to people in Stoke's dreams to help promote her current film Into The Woods, also starring Meryl Streep.

"Anna is one of the hottest properties in Hollywood right now," agent Arty Nickels said. "Everyone is a winner with this deal."

The dreams will vary from user-to-user, but will leave people with the lasting feeling that Anna Kendrick is adorable and that you need to see Into The Woods.

"In my dream, Anna came to my house and did all me housework," roofer Tom Bongo said. "Top bird."

"I dreamt that she messaged me on Facebook, came round my gaff, sucked me off then fucked off," unemployed layabout Nigel Monk said. "Perfect."

Thursday, 1 January 2015

2014 Review: December

At the 2014 Staffordshire Awards, Stoke was named the county's best city again, while Cobridge was named the county's roughest area. Dick Whittington, starring Jonathan Wilkes, currently on in Hanley, was named show of the year. The bravery award went to Anthea Turner for going through her separation from husband Grant Bovey and man of the year was Peter Crouch.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

2014 Review: November

Pearl divers in Lake Burslem discovered the shipwreck of the legendary warship HMS Bollock.

HMS Bollock sank at its launch in 1879, after being hit by the ceremonial champagne bottle, and inspired the phrase "to drop a bollock", meaning "to make a mistake". It was one of the first ships made at the Burslem dockyards.

Due to the depth of the water in Phil Taylor Bay, known in nautical circles as "the graveyard of the great lake", the ship hasn't been seen since, but the advanced technology used by local pearl divers has enabled them to dive deeper then the Royal Navy is able to go.

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

2014 Review: October

Kip Boogers, the first man in Stoke to receive a double hand transplant, took up boxing.

Kip, who lost his hands in a Wii Sports accident, was given the varnished wooden hands as a temporary measure until science can come up with something better. He will fight under the name "The Bogeyman" and will enter arenas to the song 'I Love It' by Icona Pop.

"Frankly, I think it's unfair that someone with rock hard wooden hands should be allowed to fight, but technically it's not against the rules so we have to allow it," Stoke Boxing Board of Control's Ken Cash said.

Monday, 29 December 2014

2014 Review: September

Animal rights activists across the city celebrated when judges at Stoke's highest court, Fenton Magistrates, declared that whale hunting in Lake Burslem was effectively illegal.

"Local by-laws declared that animals can only be hunted quietly in Lake Burlsem using a fishing rod or bare hands," legal expert Kenny Hater said. As this law pre-dated Stoke's constitution, which allows the free hunting of any creature bigger than humans not including horses or dragons, the judges decided on the legal basis of "first come, first served" that this law should stand.

"Yer whaling vessels now serve no purpose on Lake Burslem and are officially fair game for pirates," fish expert Bill Spatz added. "Now be gone. Aye."

Dolphin baiting is still legal however and was recommended by the judges as fun for all the family.