The Hipster Council of Stoke (hCs) has advised that beards and tattoos are now too mainstream to be cool and should not be sported by its members.
"Literally every spaz you see has now got a beard and tats, it's time for us to move on," hCs spokesman Zachery Durden said. "And it's ok for me to use the word 'spaz', I'm using it an ironic way that no-one else will even understand for a year or two."
So what is going to be 'in' this coming winter?
"Dungarees, bow ties and lipstick for men," Monsieur Durden said. "We're looking at one or two other things as well. It's about time the centre parting/basin haircut combo had a revival and Clarks Shoes have been naff long enough now to be cool in an ironic way, but we've yet to decide on that definitively."