Thursday, 11 December 2014

School Closes For Christmas

Students, their parents and staff of St Barry's Primary School in Goms Mill were celebrating this morning after headmaster Terry Orange announced that the school would be closed until the new year, giving them a near four week Christmas holiday!


"After the tragic deaths of over 100 of our students and 12 of our teachers yesterday, when that big train derailed and smashed through the school, killing everyone it its path, we feel it wouldn't be right to continue the school term," Mr Orange said. "We hope the survivors enjoy the extended Christmas break and return on 05 January ready to learn."

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Shopkeep Bemused By Sales Trends

Stoke shopkeep Cedric Nentertainer has expressed surprise at a recent upturn of sales of knitwear at his store.


"It's most bizarre," he said. "I've sold little in the way of knitted goods all year, then all of a sudden people are buying anything made of the stuff. I can't stock it fast enough. I really don’t know what has gotten into people."

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Gay Man Beats Straightie

"I can't believe what I saw, everything I've ever believed in is a lie." Those are the words of body builder Jock Toshacks, who witnessed gay dancer Jules Swag beat gym trainer Tob Bunnies in an arm wrestling match at a local championship last night.


"This will send shockwaves through the straight community," cultural commentator and anthropologist Nicholas Scrubber said. "It will probably lead to straight people being labelled as being weak or sissy. Straight kids are likely to get bullied in school because of this. IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!"

"Maybe this makes me gay now," losing wrestler Tob said after the bout. "I've never done anything gay before. I've done broral obviously, but that doesn't count."

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Stoke Strangler Voted Britain’s Best

Leading local serial killer the Stoke Strangler, whose real identity is still unknown, has been voted Britain's best ever by school children in the city.

"This shows that civic pride is alive and well amongst our nippers," city councillor Jinky Watkins wrote on the city's official website. "This can only be a good thing, especially if we ever go to war and need willing combatants."

The results were: 

Stoke Strangler (75%)
Fred West (12%)
Harold Shipman (5%)
Other (8%)

Last place with no votes was the Cockney Cutter.

Monday, 1 December 2014

Turn The Page!

Women in the city have been reminded to turn over the pages of their Sir Cliff Richard calendars to December to help beckon in the Christmas period.

"Sir Cliff has bossed Christmas for decades," fan Judith Portions enthused. "As soon as you see his lovely face, that's when Christmas truly begins."

"This year our Christmas prayers will have extra poignancy as we will be hoping for Sir Cliff to get let off the legal problems as well as our other wishes," Sir Cliff fan club president Mary Honkers said.

"Only a devil woman could accuse Sir Cliff of such things! Or in this case a devil young boy. Free the Living Doll One!" Judith added.

Sunday, 30 November 2014

He's Back!

One of Stoke's most feared and reviled crims, the nawty wittle boy, has resurfaced and terrorised a wedding party in Burslem.

Dressed in his trademark nappy and bonnet, the man, thought to be around 40 years old, stormed into Ballroom 17 at the Burslem Hilton hotel and proceeded to cause chaos.

"While you're down there..."

Pranks included pushing over the uncut wedding cake, claiming the first dance with bride Mandy Pitstop and grabbing the DJ's microphone to make an impromptu best man speech, done in baby talk, and referring to the bride as him mummy.

The man then stood in the middle of the dancefloor and pissed himself, while staring at the bride and groom, before saying his catchphrase ("I been a nawty wittle boy") and running off into the night.

Saturday, 29 November 2014

New Bus Timetables

First Midlands has unveiled its new bus timetables and routes for the city, which will go into effect from tomorrow.

The biggest change is that all bus routes will now pass through Fegg Hayes and all bus drivers will have to wear the official new First uniform, which is a Pottermus onesie.


"We're not happy about this," bus driver union spokesman Keith Bepden said. "Aside from looking ridiculous, the uniforms are completely unsuitable for driving in. A driver shouldn't have to worry about being able to see the road or oncoming traffic through the mouth hole of a big hippo suit."

"Easy now," rival First spokesman Tengy Bapfeet replied. "This company is a symbol and representation of Stoke in public transport form, and nothing says Stoke like Pottermus. The uniforms are here to stay, we've had great feedback from customers. Fuck the drivers, the stuck up bastards."

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Buttons Unleashed

One of Stoke's most prolific bloggers, the self-styled "average Stokie", Frank Buttons, has decided to write his autobiography following dissatisfaction with the readership numbers of his blog, Buttons Online.

Provisionally entitled Buttons Uncut, or possibly Buttons Unleashed, the book will detail Frank's life in Stoke and personal passions, which include model railways and rock icon Phil Collins. The two chapters about the bald rocker will include one on why Phil is the most underrated and under-appreciated rock star of our times, and the other will simply list Phil's best songs from across his career, as well as anecdotes from Frank about the songs and memories he has of them.

The book will also feature occasional chapters where Frank puts the world to rights, spouting off about immigration, benefit cheats and gays.

Frank will self-publish the book and will release it in time for the busy Christmas market.

Monday, 24 November 2014

Couples Charity Drive

Several couples from Fegg Hayes have got together to help raise money for a local children's charity, the Little Tommy Trust.


The wife swappers will be hosting a free-for-all party this Friday at Fegg Hayes Town Hall, with a £10 entry fee.

Singles are encouraged to join in the fun too. "This is for a good cause so we don't want to discriminate," organiser Barry Hotcakes said. "It's what Little Tommy would have wanted if he hadn't been mauled to death."

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

ConCon

This past week, Stoke has played host to one of the most important conventions of the year: ConCon, a convention about conventions.

One of the main announcements of the week long event was that Stoke has won the rights to host BronyConUK 2015, one of the most loved and feared shows on the convention circuit.


Bronies are men who love My Little Pony, but in a non-weird or sexual way... or so the press release claims. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever!… the press release says. Again.

BronyConUK 2015 will be held at the Burslem Hilton in July. Tickets are already available to pre-order.