Saturday, 20 September 2014

It's Fappening Again

Local good egg Terry Seagull has vowed taken a stance against internet thieves and pornographers and is helping women's charities in the process!

"When 'the fappening' happened, I decided that I wanted no part of it," Terry said. "Even though the temptation was strong, very strong, I wanted to show my respect to the famous bitches and whores whose pictures were stolen."

For every woman who sends Terry a picture of herself recreating any of the fappening pictures of celebrities, including stars such as Jennifer Lawrence and Kaley Cuoco, Terry will donate £5 to local women's groups.

"This way, local women who need help will get it, and the women who make the pictures will be empowered and feel glamorous like the celebrities whose pictures they are copying," Terry explained. "Everyone's a winner."

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Adams Leaves Scamps

Port Vale manager Micky Adams, 52, has left his role at the club with mutual consent, with it being rumoured he is going to pursue a career in dance.

"Micky is a beautiful classical dancer, in some ways more beautiful than the football his teams play, if that's possible," Scamps fan Dave Murray said at Micky's leaving party. "I've seen many performances, they always bring me to horrible tears."

Adams, 55, who was rumoured to be the highest paid manager in English football on £10 million per year, is also rumoured to be on the verge of announcing the creation of his own dance company, Micky & Co.

"I don't think Micky's 59-year-old heart is with the Vale anymore," Murray added. "It's with the Lake. Swan Lake."

Monday, 15 September 2014

Stoke Offers Troops To Scotland

Stoke's governing Council of Elders has offered the city's troops to Scotland if they are needed in the event of a war, should the northern state, famous for haggis, sectarian football violence and Billy Connollys, be successful in gaining independence from the rest of the UK.

The move could be viewed by some as an act of war by Stoke against England and the UK, but Council of Elders spokesman Kenny Badgers denies this.

Just what is it good for?

"What we have here is a classic case of misunderstanding," Mr Badgers said. "We just happen to be sending troops to Scotland on leave as the referendum is happening. Anything our brave boys choose do in their spare time there is up to them, whether it be to eat a deep fried Mars bar, take heroin or kill a load of English soldiers."

Stoke declared independence from the UK in 1974 but was defeated in the subsequent war leading to the uneasy alliance that continues to this day. The Council of Elders denies it is doing any of this to gain revenge on the UK

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

North Longton To Vote On Independence

Rogue Stoke state North Longton is to hold a referendum about breaking away from the Stoke Union, its "glorious" leader Den Biggins has announced.

"I don't know where this idea came from, it just hit me one day," Biggins told viewers of North Longton’s state TV channel. "Under my rule, Longton will ascend from the union and set out to rule the world."

"North Longton will not be allowed to go independent, whatever the result of this illegal vote," a spokesman for Stoke’s ruling Council of Elders said. "We own North Longton and will continue to do so long after all of you are dead."

The vote will be held the day before the vote for Scottish independence, whenever that is.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

The Fappening: Stoke

It isn't just Hollywood stars like Jennifer Lawrence who have had their phones and online photo storage targeted by hackers, as some local celebrities can attest!

Pictures have now been released of Sue Gofton, city councillor for ethics and morals, which show her masturbating over the illegally obtained photos of Jennifer Lawrence that hit the internet last week. "These pics were private and uploaded to what I thought was a secure place," Cllr Gofton explained. "They were meant for private use so that I could download them and wank over them at a later unspecified date. They were not for other people to wank over."

Signal Gold breakfast co-host and former glamour model and occasional medium class escort Kimberley Scragg was shocked when she discovered pictures of herself getting spit-roasted by two strangers in a barn, while searching for pictures of herself on Tumblr. "Those pictures were private and were for future blackmail against the men involved. My privacy and future earnings have been ruined because of some pesky, horny kids."

Celebrities in Stoke have been urged to keep their private sex pics and tapes in less hackable places, such as pantries or lofts.

Monday, 1 September 2014

Pottermusses Beat Human Rights Abusers, World Rejoices

Stoke City fans have been celebrating over the weekend after beating Premier League champions Manchester City 1-0 away from home.

New signing Mame Biram Diouf scored the winning goal at the end of a 70 yard run making the Mancs, known as "Citeh" or "the human rights abusers", look stupid in the process.

"I fucking hate Citeh," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed said. "To figuratively go to their gaff, pull their pants down and tickle their balls right in front of their ugly, slack-jawed fans is one of the great joys of life. We were literally 'mad for it'. Our kid. Etc."

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Rugby Fan Admits Error

Tab Brownlee, one of the few rugby fans in Stoke, has admitted the error of his ways and started to like football instead.

"If I'm honest, I said I liked rugby once just to be awkward," the events planner from Stockton Brook said. "It became a thing people associated with me so I just kept up the lie."

Tab has already bought some official Stoke City socks and pants and hopes to attend his first football match this season.

"Living a lie for so long is tiring," Tab admits. "I'm looking forward to relaxing and enjoying sport for a change."

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Fighting League Returns

The English Fighting League returns today after its summer break with Stoke hoping to cement its reputation as one of the country's leading teams.

"We're up for the new season, big time," team captain Gavin Cockerill told reporters. "We've got a great new crop of youngsters to replace the dead ones from last year and we're hoping for a European place for next season."

"A city like Stoke deserves to be fighting in Europe," team manager Pete Mycock added. "The fact that we hate foreigners so much makes Europe the perfect place for us."

The fixtures for the English football season have been brought into line with the Fighting League this year after complaints from fans of both sports.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Pulis Hates Cockneys

Stoke City management legend Tony Pulis has stunned the football world by leaving Crystal Palace after only ten months as their gaffer.

"Even though I'm a Scamps [Port Vale] fan, I love and admire Pulis," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board said. "Though no reason has been given, I think we all know why; it's because TP has grown to hate London and its filthy Cockney inhabitants."

"London is a viper's nest full of tricksters, thieves and whores," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed added. "And that's just the nice ones. I'm amazed Tony lasted this long to be honest. I'd have gone on a killing spree after ten months in that shithole."

Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has been contacted for his reaction but is too shocked to speak.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

In Profile: Bojan

Stoke City's big signing of the Summer has been forward Bojan, but how much do we know about the diminutive Spaniard? Let's take a look.

Full Name: Bojangles Barry Krkic

Born: 28 August 1990, Linyola (Spain)

Former Clubs: Barcelona, Roma, AC Milan (loan), Ajax (loan)

Career Games: 280

Career Goals: 66

Favourite TV: Foyle's War

Favourite Film: Weekend At Bernie's

Favourite Album: Phil Collins - "...Hits"

Favourite Kardashian: Khloe

Party Trick: Can fit his entire fist in his mouth