Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Robbie Williams's Wife Shits Out Another Kid

Congratulations to famous Stokie Robbie Williams, whose foreign wife Ayda has given birth to the couple's second nipper.

How Mrs Williams got pregnant is not yet clear, though it may have involved unprotected SEX, possibly by a roaring fireplace in a rustic mansion, or possibly down an alleyway in Fegg Hayes. The involvement of Jonathan Wilkes is not yet clear.

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Eastenders Is Rubbish Admits Former Cockney

One of the few licensed cockneys in Stoke has admitted that Eastenders is rubbish and is only watched by idiots.

Jimmy Knives, who renounced London and its ways in 2003 when he took on Stoke citizenship, told a conference on foreign cultures that Eastenders is shit.

"Eastenders was made by cockneys to dissuade northerners from coming down to visit by showing everyone what London is really like," Knives told the crowd. "Somehow, the show took off and people like it. They keep making it shitter every year but it makes no difference. It's like crack cocaine for lazy idiots."

Knives claims he has received death threats from cockneys for revealing the truth but says he will continue campaigning against cockney culture.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Stoke To Move To Decimal Time

Stoke City Council has reminded Stokies that the city will move to decimal time from tomorrow.

"Now is the time," city councillor for public disobedience Ted Tart said. "The time is now. Literally."

Under the new Stoke calendar, there will 10 hours a day, each hour boasting an impressive 100 minutes. Each minute will last 100 seconds.

Each month will contain 100 days, broken down into 10 weeks of 10 days. The 10 days of the week will now be known as Monday, Twosday, Threesday, Fourday, Fiveday, Sixday, Davejohnsonday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The weekend will be 3 days: Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

The 10 months that make up the year are to be known as Onuary, Twuly, Thirch, Fourpril, Fivember, Sixuary, Sevuary, August, Ninetember and Tentober.

Stokies are advised to change the settings on all their clocks and watches to the new system.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

City Council Approves Name Changes

Stoke City Council has approved a bunch of name changes for many roads and places in the city.

Sir Jimmy Savile Road, in Boothen, will be renamed Angry Pulis Avenue, and Jimmy Savile Street in Tunstall will now be known as Ted Hankey Street. The Sir Jimmy Savile Memorial Garden in Etruria will keep its name until a suitable local celebrity dies.

Stuart Hall Street in Burslem is to be known as Wayne Biggins Street, and Max Clifford View in Trentham is to be renamed as Peter Crouch End. Dr Fox Road in Bentilee has temporarily been renamed Foxy Bingo Road pending the outcome of police enquiries. Rolf Harris Road in Shelton is now Brian Blessed Road.

The city council has confirmed that it has no plans though to change the names of Cliff Richard Road, Sir Cliff Street, Sir Cliff Richard Avenue, Bachelor Boy Botanical Gardens, Devil Woman Street, Living Doll Road or Sir Cliff Cliff. "Innocent until proven guilty," council spokesman Jinky Watkins explains. "And we all know Sir Cliff didn't do it. We can rest easy on this one."

Sunday, 12 October 2014

"Gay For The Day" A Big Success

Stoke City Council has declared yesterday's 'gay for the day' initiative as having been a big success.

Held to raise awareness of gay rights and equality, and the stupidity of homophobia, the council encouraged everyone in the city to try being gay to see how it feels.

"We estimate an extra 10,000 Stoke men actually went all the way with another man for the first time yesterday," councillor Steve "Kinky" Jeffries announced. "Well done to them. The old ways are the best. Also, around 50,000 men in the city acted camper than normal, and several thousand more wore women's clothes. We're not really sure why they did that, wearing women's clothes doesn't make you gay. Nor why some people chose to black up either. That's a bit of a stretch."

Many women got in on the act too. Reports say that many young women were spotted at several nightclubs across the city lezzing off with each other, most likely as a way of showing their support, and in no way just to get attention for themselves from men.

Due to an administrative error, no money has been raised from the initiative, nor any of Stoke's anti-gay laws repealed.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Drug Dealer Holds Sale

Local drug dealer "Camp John" has slashed his prices to welcome new students to the city!

"Moving away from home to a new city is a frightening challenge for any young person," Camp John explains. "My 25% discount will help the youngsters build their self confidence, making it easier for them to settle in and make friends."

"Let's be BFFs"

"We commend Camp John on this initiative and will be recommending students pay him a visit," Staffordshire University student adviser Charlotte Baiser says. "We hope this will encourage other businesses in the city to follow suit."

The sale will last until the end of October, and students will have to present their NUS student card to claim their discount.

Saturday, 4 October 2014

Dogging Season Coming To An End

Stokies have been advised to get some dogging in quick, before the weather gets too cold!

"The arrival of autumn sees the dogging season begin to die down," Dogging Society spokesman Terry Snatch said. "We recommend you get as much now as you can."

This year has seen steady growth in the dogging recreation sector, with an estimated 50% of Stoke men and 25% of Stoke women said to have taken part, making it one of Stoke's biggest participant and spectator sports.

"Dogging is big in Stoke, very big," Terry adds. "We're considering bidding for the 2018 European Championships. We have the city council's backing."

Sunday, 28 September 2014

Turkey Votes For Christmas

A turkey from Stoke has broken ranks and voted for Christmas.

"I've had enough, just eat me now," Barry Turkey said. "I really can't be bothered to carry on any more. Just end it."

The annual vote by the NUT [National Union of Turkeys] normally returns a 100% vote against Christmas, but this year that number is expected to drop to around 99.999999%.

"We're disappointed by Barry Turkey's vote," NUT spokesturkey Terry Turkey commented. "But this is a democracy so we respect his right to vote against our recommendation."

Saturday, 27 September 2014


Stoke is always trending on social networks, everyone knows that. Here's a round up of some of the best recent Stoke tweets on Twitter.

Fiona Davis (@PhoneSexHoneyUK) - "PHONE SEX HONEYS: Naughty News #derby #nottingham #stoke"

Liam Barnes (@LiamapBarnes) - "If you are in #Stoke today, big event is premiere of Oatcakes!"

Stokey Fan (@Stokeyf) - "There's nothing you cant get or do in #stoke why go anywhere else?"

Sam (@_ImSimplySam) - "In the space of one minute ive been asked for spare change and if im a twin... #stoke"

Grego (@grego___) - "duas descobertas acerca de Gordon Banks. Ele jogou meio ano num timeco da africa do sul chamado Hellenic, e varios anos no #meu #stoke #city"

Saturday, 20 September 2014

It's Fappening Again

Local good egg Terry Seagull has vowed taken a stance against internet thieves and pornographers and is helping women's charities in the process!

"When 'the fappening' happened, I decided that I wanted no part of it," Terry said. "Even though the temptation was strong, very strong, I wanted to show my respect to the famous bitches and whores whose pictures were stolen."

For every woman who sends Terry a picture of herself recreating any of the fappening pictures of celebrities, including stars such as Jennifer Lawrence and Kaley Cuoco, Terry will donate £5 to local women's groups.

"This way, local women who need help will get it, and the women who make the pictures will be empowered and feel glamorous like the celebrities whose pictures they are copying," Terry explained. "Everyone's a winner."