Monday, 1 August 2016

New Port Vale Shirt Is A White Fruit Of The Loom T-Shirt

Port Vale unveiled their new kit for the forthcoming season today to a wave of outrage when it was discovered that it is just a white Fruit of the Loom t-shirt that normally retails for around £3.

The £50 shirt, that comes with a club badge you have to sew on yourself, was shown at a press conference at Vale Park to fans and journalists, and described as a "back to basics" approach.

"This shirt shows the purity of the Vale," club managing director Tony Bates-Hulse announced. "We are the only clean and honest team in this majestic city, not at all like that dirty lot up the road with their unnatural stripes and naked headbutt fights in showers."

Vale also announced that stand alone versions of the recently unleashed new club badge will retail for £99 just in case anyone had any fruity ideas about just sewing one onto another t-shirt and ripping off the club.

"This is a flipping outrage," fan Kiki Fuchs said. "I didn't vote for Brexit to get ripped off like this by my own type. This is the kind of thing you expect from that lot of scroungers from Eastern Europe, not from fellow white Brits."

Bates-Hulse added that it was too late to change now as the club had already taken delivery of two million of the shirts and it was too difficult to return them all.

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Big Science News

A new scientific study has shown that people who use the crying with laughter emoji are the least funny.

"I'm pretty shocked to be fair," scientist Clam Jeffries, based at Staffordshire University said. "My girlfriend uses them at the end of every text and Facebook post and she's a right bubbly character."

The study analysed millions of social media posts by users throughout Stoke over the past three years using an algorithm that determines how funny something actually is.

"What we found was that the crying with laughter emoji seemed to be a trick to try and make people think that something is funny when it really isn't," Clam added. "It's used almost exclusively by women. I'm saying no more."

Saturday, 30 July 2016


A Stoke City fan has set up a kickstarter fund to raise money to create transfer rumours linking Shaun Wright-Phillips with a move to the Pottermusses.

"This is the first transfer window for 6 years where SWP hasn't been linked to Stoke," Terry Wendy writes on the page. "Help me rectify this by giving me enough money to be able to quit my job as a solicitor so that I can focus my time entirely on creating rumours of him joining Stoke this summer."

The fund has so far raised £95,000 of the £125,000 target goal, with 7 more days to go. Stretch goals at £150,000 include a rap song about the diminutive winger and a mock up poster of him tying up Marko Arnautovic's topknot to all backers.

Wright-Phillips currently plays for New York Red Bulls in the USA of A, where he averages a goal every 19 games.

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Vale Announce New Club Badge

Local Endsleigh League team Port Vale FC have unveiled a new club badge ahead of the forthcoming football season.

Featuring symbols representing the club and its hometown of Burslem, the crest was designed by noted local artist Colin Muntford, best known for his statues of giant pigeons that adorn the streets and rooftops of Tunstall.

"This is the commission of a lifetime," Muntford told cheering Vale fans from the centre circle of Vale Park ahead of a pre-season friendly against Real Madrid. "I've got Vale in my blood, heart and gametes! Up the Scamps!"

The new badge will feature on the new Vale strip to be announced soon, as well as all official merchandise and letterheads.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Crouchy Hopeful Of England Recall

With the appointment of Sam "Big Sam Allardyce" Allardyce as the new England manager, insiders say that Stoke City legend Peter Crouch is hopeful of a recall to the national side.

"Big Sam likes to play aerial football," local football writer Dave Stevens explained. "As Crouchy is the proverbial head-on-a-stick, he would be perfectly suited to the style of play."

"Crouchy was outstanding last season," a member of Crouch's dance crew told EYE ON STOKE. "The stats of 2 goals in 18 games don't tell the whole story. He brought glamour to the Stoke dressing room, busted some new dance moves and inspired a generation, things few other players can boast."

Crouch last played for England in 2010, the year Leslie Nielsen died.

Friday, 22 July 2016

Last Chance To Steal From BHS

Stokies have been warned that with the city's branch of BHS to close soon, there won't be many more chances to shoplift from the store.

"I first stole from BHS in the 1930s," Stoke centenarian Frank Jobs remembers. "I had no interest in stealing from anywhere else, it's like a tradition round here."

Such is the widespread nature of stealing from the store, stealing something or getting it for free in the city has become known as "paying the BHS price".

"Maybe everyone just stealing stuff from BHS instead of paying for it is why they're going out of business," retail expert Rebecca Gingle said. "Just putting the idea out there."

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Brexit Fuels 'Stexit' Hopes

Britain's recent vote in favour of leaving the European Union, better known as Brexit, has fuelled hopes in the city that the long held dream of Stoke becoming a completely independent republic could become a reality.

Stoke City Council has so far batted away questions on the subject, while spokesmen for the Council of Elders, Stoke's supreme ruling body, has refused to take questions of any kind since last Christmas.

Stoke previously fought a war of independence in 1974, when it declared itself the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent, no longer a part of England or the UK. Stoke lost.

"The only reason I voted for Brexit so that Stexit might follow," Stokie Doris Ahmed said. "I care no more for them pig-fuckers in London than I do for those snail-munching rear view mirror cowardly fucktards in France, I want rid of all of them."

"I voted for Brexit cuz I hate foreigners," EYE ON STOKE reader Cub Gunns e-mailed.

Jonathan Wilkes's views on Stexit are also unknown at this time.

Sunday, 29 November 2015

Hipsters Issue Beard Warning

The Hipster Council of Stoke (hCs) has advised that beards and tattoos are now too mainstream to be cool and should not be sported by its members.

"Literally every spaz you see has now got a beard and tats, it's time for us to move on," hCs spokesman Zachery Durden said. "And it's ok for me to use the word 'spaz', I'm using it an ironic way that no-one else will even understand for a year or two."

So what is going to be 'in' this coming winter?

"Dungarees, bow ties and lipstick for men," Monsieur Durden said. "We're looking at one or two other things as well. It's about time the centre parting/basin haircut combo had a revival and Clarks Shoes have been naff long enough now to be cool in an ironic way, but we've yet to decide on that definitively."

Saturday, 7 November 2015

Stokecore Music

Stokecore is a broad fusion genre of music whereby any style of music is mixed with a Stoke sensibility and/or Stokie dialect to make something entirely new.

Pioneering Stokecore bands (included Baps Unlimited, The Fegg Gays and Hatecock) mixed heavy metal with Stoke. Later bands, such as Mr Peabodys Dinner, Bitches and The Derek Hulse Fan Club, mixed genres as wide as disco, reggae and mandopop (respectively) with Stoke to widen what Stokecore could be.

Local bands Pink Pole and Good Gravy are often credited with originating Stokecore in the underground scene before other bands took the idea on and made it mainstream. The Fegg Gays album 'Tar Duck' is cited as the first Stokecore album to hit number one in the local charts, and is often referred to as "the album that influenced a generation". Baps Unlimited (feat. Mick Bullock) scored the first Stokecore number one single with their anthem 'Slaughter at Boslem Gaol'.

Nowadays, as we all know, Stokecore is the dominant musical genre in the city. There is also an emerging Hardcore Stokecore scene, featuring artists who only record songs in the ancient Stoke language of Stokehili, that predates English by centuries, but is now only spoken by about 10% of Stokes population.

Thursday, 5 November 2015

The Royal Wilkes Trail

The Royal Wilkes Trail is a hiking trail on the north rim of Knypersley reservoir, located at the very north of Stoke.

The paved trail begins in the car park at the southern end of Gracerock Road, better known as one of Knypersley's main dogging sites.

Knypersley Reservoir's northern shore

From the car park, the trail heads south west, along the reservoir, with signs describing the local flora and fauna, such as nettles and bulldogs. Viewpoints along the trail include The Whores Bath (a small pond), The Gay Window (a natural arch with flowers on it) and Bollock Pass (a path between two rocks).

Popular with tourists, the trail is around a mile in length, or about 894 Jonathan Wilkeses laid out in a line. Around 15 dead bodies were found dismembered along the route this morning, averaging about one every 107 metres. Police are not yet treating the deaths as suspicious, although this is subject to change according to the new Staffordshire Police terms and conditions announced yesterday.