Monday, 1 September 2014

Pottermusses Beat Human Rights Abusers, World Rejoices

Stoke City fans have been celebrating over the weekend after beating Premier League champions Manchester City 1-0 away from home.

New signing Mame Biram Diouf scored the winning goal at the end of a 70 yard run making the Mancs, known as "Citeh" or "the human rights abusers", look stupid in the process.

"I fucking hate Citeh," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed said. "To figuratively go to their gaff, pull their pants down and tickle their balls right in front of their ugly, slack-jawed fans is one of the great joys of life. We were literally 'mad for it'. Our kid. Etc."

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Rugby Fan Admits Error

Tab Brownlee, one of the few rugby fans in Stoke, has admitted the error of his ways and started to like football instead.

"If I'm honest, I said I liked rugby once just to be awkward," the events planner from Stockton Brook said. "It became a thing people associated with me so I just kept up the lie."

Tab has already bought some official Stoke City socks and pants and hopes to attend his first football match this season.

"Living a lie for so long is tiring," Tab admits. "I'm looking forward to relaxing and enjoying sport for a change."

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Fighting League Returns

The English Fighting League returns today after its summer break with Stoke hoping to cement its reputation as one of the country's leading teams.

"We're up for the new season, big time," team captain Gavin Cockerill told reporters. "We've got a great new crop of youngsters to replace the dead ones from last year and we're hoping for a European place for next season."

"A city like Stoke deserves to be fighting in Europe," team manager Pete Mycock added. "The fact that we hate foreigners so much makes Europe the perfect place for us."

The fixtures for the English football season have been brought into line with the Fighting League this year after complaints from fans of both sports.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Pulis Hates Cockneys

Stoke City management legend Tony Pulis has stunned the football world by leaving Crystal Palace after only ten months as their gaffer.

"Even though I'm a Scamps [Port Vale] fan, I love and admire Pulis," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board said. "Though no reason has been given, I think we all know why; it's because TP has grown to hate London and its filthy Cockney inhabitants."

"London is a viper's nest full of tricksters, thieves and whores," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed added. "And that's just the nice ones. I'm amazed Tony lasted this long to be honest. I'd have gone on a killing spree after ten months in that shithole."

Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has been contacted for his reaction but is too shocked to speak.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

In Profile: Bojan

Stoke City's big signing of the Summer has been forward Bojan, but how much do we know about the diminutive Spaniard? Let's take a look.

Full Name: Bojangles Barry Krkic

Born: 28 August 1990, Linyola (Spain)

Former Clubs: Barcelona, Roma, AC Milan (loan), Ajax (loan)

Career Games: 280

Career Goals: 66

Favourite TV: Foyle's War

Favourite Film: Weekend At Bernie's

Favourite Album: Phil Collins - "...Hits"

Favourite Kardashian: Khloe

Party Trick: Can fit his entire fist in his mouth

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Wish You Were Here?

Burslem has copyrighted and trademarked the phrase "The English Riviera" as it bids to become one of the country's top holiday hotspots.

"Everyone knows us as the English Riviera anyway, this just cements the deal," Mayor of Burslem Frank Goober announced to crowds outside of Burslem Town Hall. "We have big plans."

Those plans include the building of statues of Robbie Williams and Jonathan Wilkes hugging and a giant hotel in the shape of a Pok├ęball.

"With these, we will pretty much have all tourism bases covered when added to what we already have in the town," Mayor Goober explained.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Spudulike Scandal

Potato rights groups are protesting about how the vegetables are treated by the fast food outlet Spudulike in the Potteries Centre.

"They're killing them purely for profit, it's ridiculous and has to stop," activist Pippa Pronto said. "If we treated humans like this, we wouldn't tolerate it, so why is it acceptable for potatoes? They're living beings too."

"They're farming lots of them in small spaces, it's totally inhumane," Barnaby Pfunk added. "No-one should be forced to live like that. And they top it off by killing them by cooking them alive in a microwave. It's an outrage!"

Spudulike has so far refused to comment.

Monday, 11 August 2014

Big Mama's House

Everyone loves Stoke City legend Mamady "Big Mama" Sidibe, and with good reason. Well, now we can all show our love for him in more ways than waving from the touchline and singing obscene songs on a Saturday afternoon as the star has opened his own patisserie called 'Melice' in the Potteries Shopping Centre, just along from the Yankee Candle shop.

On offer are authentic French baked goods and traditional soft drinks such as Tizer. Stoke City manager Mark Hughes and current players attended the grand opening, making it the most star-studded event of the summer.

Monday, 28 July 2014

Biggins Takes Over Tumblr

Stoke City football legend Wayne Biggins has had his fair share of fan clubs and fanzines in his time, but now, he is set to conquer a whole new territory: Tumblr!

A new Tumblr page dedicated to "the original white Pele" has been set up called The Legend of Wayne Biggins, which you can access via the link above. It has proved a sensation with fans old and new and is fast becoming the go-to site for Wayne fans.

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Stoke Wins Commonwealth Games Contract

Athletes from the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent may not be able to compete in the Commonwealth Games because of its declaration of independence from the UK and Commonwealth in 1974, but an entrepreneur from the city has won the contract to be the official gun supplier to the games!

"I've recently come into the possession of several pistols," Simon Gump explained. "The people I was going to sell them to have had to go away for a few years so I was at a loose end. As soon as I saw the Commonwealth Games were coming, I saw my chance."

Simon's guns will be used as starter pistols at the games, currently taking place in Glasgow in Northern England, as well as being back-up guns in the shooting events.

"I also told them I could have gotten hold of steroids for the athletes too but they weren't interested," Simon added. "I think someone else must have got that contract."