Thursday, 1 January 2015

2014 Review: December

At the 2014 Staffordshire Awards, Stoke was named the county's best city again, while Cobridge was named the county's roughest area. Dick Whittington, starring Jonathan Wilkes, currently on in Hanley, was named show of the year. The bravery award went to Anthea Turner for going through her separation from husband Grant Bovey and man of the year was Peter Crouch.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

2014 Review: November

Pearl divers in Lake Burslem discovered the shipwreck of the legendary warship HMS Bollock.

HMS Bollock sank at its launch in 1879, after being hit by the ceremonial champagne bottle, and inspired the phrase "to drop a bollock", meaning "to make a mistake". It was one of the first ships made at the Burslem dockyards.

Due to the depth of the water in Phil Taylor Bay, known in nautical circles as "the graveyard of the great lake", the ship hasn't been seen since, but the advanced technology used by local pearl divers has enabled them to dive deeper then the Royal Navy is able to go.

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

2014 Review: October

Kip Boogers, the first man in Stoke to receive a double hand transplant, took up boxing.

Kip, who lost his hands in a Wii Sports accident, was given the varnished wooden hands as a temporary measure until science can come up with something better. He will fight under the name "The Bogeyman" and will enter arenas to the song 'I Love It' by Icona Pop.

"Frankly, I think it's unfair that someone with rock hard wooden hands should be allowed to fight, but technically it's not against the rules so we have to allow it," Stoke Boxing Board of Control's Ken Cash said.

Monday, 29 December 2014

2014 Review: September

Animal rights activists across the city celebrated when judges at Stoke's highest court, Fenton Magistrates, declared that whale hunting in Lake Burslem was effectively illegal.

"Local by-laws declared that animals can only be hunted quietly in Lake Burlsem using a fishing rod or bare hands," legal expert Kenny Hater said. As this law pre-dated Stoke's constitution, which allows the free hunting of any creature bigger than humans not including horses or dragons, the judges decided on the legal basis of "first come, first served" that this law should stand.

"Yer whaling vessels now serve no purpose on Lake Burslem and are officially fair game for pirates," fish expert Bill Spatz added. "Now be gone. Aye."

Dolphin baiting is still legal however and was recommended by the judges as fun for all the family.

Sunday, 28 December 2014

2014 Review: August

Due to the accidental release of a DNA altering pathogen, Stoke's citizens reverted into feuding Neanderthal tribes intent on survival at whatever means necessary. By the time a cure was found, over 200,000 Stokies had perished in the ungodly battles. Only one man was arrested by Staffordshire Police for murders committed during this time while being a neanderthal, a man called Mustapha Islam. Elsewhere, Jonathan Wilkes released a new video on YouTube.

Saturday, 27 December 2014

2014 Review: July

Residents of the Chinatown area of Hanley rioted and looted after local UKIP councillor Cob Barries refered to China as "an evil empire" and "crap at sport, especially when you consider their population size". By the time Cllr Barries later apologised to China's ambassador to Stoke, most of Etruria had already been destroyed.

War intensified between North and South Longton after one of the South's war hovercrafts was blown up while on patrol along the restricted zone between the two states.

Friday, 26 December 2014

2014 Review: June

Stoke's latest mission to the Moon ended in tragedy when Starship Colin exploded over the M6, near to the Keele services, killing thousands and leaving much of the area with radiation poisoning. Fortunately, winds from the north pushed the radiation cloud further south, where it eventually settled over Stone, making it largely inhabitable for non insects.

Thursday, 25 December 2014

2014 Review: May

The football season finished with Stoke City in a respectable 9th place and Fegg Hayes Vikings as champions. Port Vale went out in the early rounds but could still make the InterToto cup if other teams are kicked out for cheating.

Hurricane Leeanne swept up the River Trent, causing tidal waves which destroyed many of the new beachfront properties built at tax payers expense just days earlier, none of which had planning permission, been insured or sold.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

2014 Review: April

A plague of scorpions hit the city, killing indiscriminately as they seized control of some of our most vital and strategically located towns. The scorpions were eventually bested when the Great Fire of Stoke swept through the city finishing off the stinging monsters, and much of the city's surviving human population.

The city council's plan to build beaches along all of both sides of the River Trent was finally completed, 60 years after the project was started.

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

2014 Review: March

An office worker from Birmingham was fired from his job after sending mail addressed to "Joke-on-Trent". After Stoke's Council of Elders protested, and threatened to refer to Birmingham officially as "Bummingham" in the future, Birmingham's High Command backed down and sacked the worker, leaving him destitute and broken.