Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Wayne Biggins Winners

The monthly winners of the official Wayne Biggins drawing competition have been announced, and here they are.

"Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden

In first place is "Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden from Stockton Brook. He wins a signed picture of the man himself, a white Vauxhall Nova and entrance to the yearly champion of champions competition.

"Britannia Waynium" by Scott Barker

Second place is Scott Barker, with his picture "Britannia Waynium". Scott wins a year's supply of pikelets, courtesy of Munton's Pikelets.

"Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies

Third place is "Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies. Bev wins a date with a leading Wayne lookalike, after which she will be expected to put out.

"LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall

In fourth place is "LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall, aged 37. He wins nothing.

Sunday, 10 May 2015

Beer Stop

Stoke City Council has confirmed that it plans to build off licences at all of the city's bus stops.

"Most bus stops I drive past are littered with beer cans," city councillor Jinky Watkins explained. "It seems that the city's bus users like their booze, so why not give them an outlet for them right there? Everyone's a winner."

Alcohol counsellor Sam Ronkers is not happy with the idea. "About 60% of Stoke's adults and 25% of kids are already alkies, I can't see this helping."

"This will create jobs and help booze hounds and layabout scroungers get easier access," Cllr Watkins added. "I don't see the problem here, I really don't. No bad can come from this."

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Derbyshire Prepares Troops

Cleetus van Rumple, the president of Derbyshire, has refused to comment on reports that the county has been lining troops along its border with Staffordshire.

"They're clearly there," hiker Jenny  Shrimper said. "I was walking near the border and saw like twelve of them. They were looking up at the Sun and drooling like mongs."

"We dang not comment on dem matters of der warfare," President van Rumple told Nato via a comic strip.

"We're not concerned by this in the slightest," Barry Beagles, Stoke's city councillor for war said. "We're armed like bastards. Bring it on."

Thursday, 30 April 2015

Personal Ads

Medium-sized, middle-aged woman with bubbly personality seeks man, any man, for good times and showers. Barbara, C34498.

Man, 55, seeks much younger woman for romantic strolls by Lake Burslem, candlelit meals and explosive sex. Crack smokers welcome. Barry, B14352.

Gary Barlow fan looking for Gary Barlow lookalike (classic era only) for Gary Barlow themed fun. No Robbie Williams fans please. Wendy, S44752.

Gay man seeks straight woman for fraudulent relationship to fool family and friends. If you have gay male friends I can bot that is a bonus. John, G51249.

Young person seeks good looking other young person for selfie photo sessions and maybe other stuff if we get the time. Must be good looking, I'll know if you're not. Chloe, J72256.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

For Sale

Bamboo spanking stick
Made locally. Like new, only used a few times on soft surfaces. £55 ono. Tel: 01782 250147 and ask for Terry. Videos of it in use are available for demonstration purposes.

Necklace made of human teeth
Beautifully crafted by a master necklacier. Teeth are African in origin, like mankind itself. Necklace is from Argos. £75. E-mail: for pictures or purchase. Teeth not sold separately.

Gary Glitter CD collection
All of the leader's albums in one velvet-lined cardboard box. CDs are in excellent condition though the box is not tbh. A joy for any music fan. £200 plus postage. Will ship abroad, though not to Syria or Australia on moral grounds. Call Kenny on 01782 633955.

Giant badger egg
Once in a lifetime find, being sold to fund recent drug addiction. Quick sale preferred. £2,500 though will haggle. Tel Jamie on 07903642007. No time wasters PLEASE.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Springtime For JCVD And Stoke

The Stoke Film Club has laid out its programme for spring, which include a Jean-Claude Van Damme retrospective and various events to celebrate the career of the action movie star, known as the "muscles from Belgium".

As well as screenings of JCVD classics, events will be held to coincide with films. Plans include a tramp hunting contest for 'Hard Target' and face kicking contests for all of his other films.

"Every year, our line up gets better and better," club secretary Jenny Cockshoot says. "We have fast become this Britain's most dynamic film club. Long may it continue."

The first film of the season, 'Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning', will be projected onto the side of the BT building in Hanley.

Friday, 24 April 2015

SNP Election Hopes

The Stoke National Party [SNP] is making a final push ahead of the forthcoming general election, where it hopes to make big gains.

SNP leader Dougie Banters is to outline his party's election promises tomorrow at Disney World in Florida, where he is currently on holiday with his wife and girlfriend, should they win the election outright.

"We expect to win most if not all seats in Stoke," Mr Banters said in advance of the launch. "If that pattern continues nationwide, we should get all seats in parliament. This will put us in a prime position to govern Britain until we get bored of it, then push for independence from this god-forsaken country once and for all."

Mr Banters has refused to rule out joining a coalition, though his preference is to win outright.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Jelly Badgers FTW

The city-wide annual vote to find Stokies' favourite animal-shaped food has been held, with Jelly Badgers voted number one for the fifth consecutive year, marking a remarkable turnaround for the chewy treat.

"If someone had said to me seven years ago that Jelly Badgers would be popular ever again, I would have ripped their throat out, done a piss and a shit down the gaping throat hole, punched their tits out then written 'liar scum' on their head with a permanent marker pen. Then told them to shut up and stop lying," food expert and EYE ON STOKE columnist Chef Barry Cockles said.

Chocolate monkeys were second in the poll and beef turtles third.

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Middleport To Get Heritage Status

One of Stoke's least important towns has suddenly become one of its most important following news that has been granted world heritage status.

"Middleport will now be protected as a 1980s preservation zone. We've never seen such a perfect recreation or embodiment of the 'grim up north 1980s'," Henry Caecilius of UNESCO said. "It's quite remarkable, like going into the past via some sort of machine which can travel through time. I don't know if a name exists for such a hypothetical machine. But that's what it's like."

Main Street in Middleport, yesterday

"Strangely, we've never even tried to look like the 1980s," Middleport's mayor Bob Clacker said. "But we'll take the hand outs, aye."

"The only worry now is that we'll be unable to put satellite dishes up," Middleport resident Chardonnay Birchall said. "Unless they're square or some bollocks."

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Cockneys Anger At Stoke Fans

Angry West Ham football fans have bombarded internet message boards with angry messages following last weekend's 1-1 draw with Stoke City.

The cockneys are angry that Stoke fans sang songs claiming sexual relations between cockney legend Saint Bobby Moore and famous pervert Sir Jimmy Savile.

"You're out of order, you slags," one cockney, Terry Nigels wrote.

"Fack right awf, you mugs," another cockney, Terry Punchcock, added.

"Apples 'n' pears, apples 'n' pears," Terry Pigmounter added. "Guv'nor. Cam to my gaff again spoutin' this bollocks and I'll cut yar facking nuts off, yer muppets."