Sunday, 27 July 2014

Stoke Wins Commonwealth Games Contract

Athletes from the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent may not be able to compete in the Commonwealth Games because of its declaration of independence from the UK and Commonwealth in 1974, but an entrepreneur from the city has won the contract to be the official gun supplier to the games!

"I've recently come into the possession of several pistols," Simon Gump explained. "The people I was going to sell them to have had to go away for a few years so I was at a loose end. As soon as I saw the Commonwealth Games were coming, I saw my chance."

Simon's guns will be used as starter pistols at the games, currently taking place in Glasgow in Northern England, as well as being back-up guns in the shooting events.

"I also told them I could have gotten hold of steroids for the athletes too but they weren't interested," Simon added. "I think someone else must have got that contract."

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Chavs Accused Of Infiltrating Schools

Stoke City Council is under pressure to intervene after reports that extremist chav groups had infiltrated free schools in the city.

"We take accusations like this very seriously and will be asking around to get the word on the street," city councillor Jinky Watkins told reporters via satellite from his holiday home in Barbados.

It is alleged that chav groups have been going into local schools, giving assemblies where they make vague and untrue assumptions about foreigners, make students in art classes paint Burberry patterns and encourage bullying and violence against "fancy dans" and hipsters.

"They're trying to convert children to the chav lifestyle," education expert Gary Battlefield explains. "Normally this is done through internet propaganda on sites like Facebook, and we should be worried they are now targeting our kids directly. Chavs: leave our kids alone!"

Sunday, 13 July 2014

Stoke To Be Fully Concrete By 2020

Stoke City Council has laid down ambitious plans for the city to be completely concreted by the year 2020.

"Concrete is the future," city councillor for the environment Max Sleazely said. "Trees and grass might have been OK when Robin Hood was roaming around Stoke but the world has moved on and so shall we. No bad can possibly come from this."

How Stoke will look in 2020.
Pigeon not to scale.

Project architect Ralph Milne explains further. "I see those movies and games of a dystopian future and I think, 'That's how I want Stoke to look'. That's my vision."

"It won't all be concrete of course," Councillor Sleazely adds. "There will be tarmac too."

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Barry For The Win

Fenton Magistrates Court's registry office has released a list to show the most common names for nippers born in the city for the tax year 2013-2014. Barry is the top boys name for a fourth consecutive year while Kayleigh is the most popular name for girls for the first time in three years, knocking Kim off top perch.

Top names for boys:

Top names for girls:

Saturday, 7 June 2014

River Trent Voted World’s Best

A poll amongst Stokies has found that local river, the River Trent, is considered the world's best.

"I'm not surprised by this outcome," city councillor Jinky Watkins said. "The River Trent is a fine river, a magnificent river, and a worthy winner. It's not known as 'the people's river' for nothing."

"The River Trent holds a mythical status that no other water based thing can match," explains Billy Binger, Professor of Trent Studies at Staffordshire University. "To this day, debates rage all over the world about where the fabled source of the River Trent is. Some say it's Knypersley Reservoir, some say elsewhere. I guess we'll never know. It's this kind of hype that keeps the Trent in people's hearts and minds."

The results of the poll were:

Trent 90%
Churnet 5%
Nile 3%
Danube 2%

Last with no votes was the Thames.

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Stoke Culinary Classics With Chef Barry Cockles

No. 2: Coq au Tizer

Fizzy pop is one of the essential food groups in Stoke, and Tizer is king of the fizzy drinks when it comes to meat.

Coq au Tizer is usually made with chicken (cock), but really any meat will do. I recommend going to J. and P. Fahey butchers in Sneyd Green, they stock a good range of meats (including game) and also sell 2 litre bottles of Tizer. All your shopping needs, basically.

Cook whatever meat(s) you've chosen to use, then put it in your pot. Add seasoning (salt and vinegar) and anything else you want, such as leaves or bits of oatcake. Pour in the Tizer and cook for 45-60 minutes, until the meat is tender, preferably melted together into one big mass.

Normally, mushrooms would be added at this point, but I don't like them so I wouldn't recommend doing that.

Remove the meat and anything else in the pot and place them on a warm serving dish. Add butter and flour to the Tizer sauce left in the pot, and whisk while bringing to the boil. When the sauce has thickened, pour over your meat and voila! Coq au Tizer!

Monday, 2 June 2014

Cockney Spotted In Stoke

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout after reports that a Cockney was spotted in the city centre last night.

"I definitely heard one at The Reginald Mitchell," Mandy Fistsock said. "It was saying stuff like 'guv'nor', 'wassup' and 'lovely jubbly'. It was a horrible abuse of the English language. I just left and never looked back."

"There has been more crime lately than normal," PC Barry Shanks of Staffordshire Police said. "We attributed it to the half term school holidays, but a cockney on the loose would make much more sense. When we finally catch it, we can probably also link it to any unsolved crimes since its been in the area too."

"If you see a cockney, do not approach it," PC Shanks warns. "Call the police and get well away from it."

Sunday, 1 June 2014

Hand Jobs For The Handicapped

Local romeo Terry Seagull has vowed to donate £5 to charities supporting the handicapped for every handie he gets during the month of June.

"With government cutbacks to services supporting spastics, it's time we did something as a society to help," Terry explained.

Women interested in helping are encouraged to find Terry on Facebook. "I'm the only Terry Seagull on there. If you can send me a tit pic first that would help."

"Women only," Terry adds. "I don't want none of that lot getting in touch."

Saturday, 31 May 2014

One Direction Blamed For Drugs Shortage

Stoke is currently facing a massive shortage of drugs after One Direction fans bought up most of the city's supply. After boyband members Terry and Kevin were caught on video using smoking marijuana, One Direction fans have been buying it in their droves to be closer to their role models.

"Like all fans, I copy exactly what my heroes do," says Louise Shrimpy, 13. "That's why I got lots of tattoos and am now on the spliff."

One Direction, yesterday

"I want to get a handie from Natalie Imbruglia like Harry got. That would be awesomesauce," adds Leeanne Turder, 12, from Fenton.

"I'd have no probs sucking off Simon Cowell to get into a group if that's what it takes," Nigel Goater said. "Just like the boys did."

"1Ders are batshit crazy," drug dealer Dave Plasterer said. "But they're my main users right now so I'm not complaining."

"If you tell them a member of One Direction did it they'll want to do it too," adds Fred Funk, another drug dealer. "I'm selling heroin to 11 year olds. It's fucking awesome."

Friday, 30 May 2014

Stoke Film Club Special Screening

Stoke film Club has announced its summer season line-up and the highlight will be a "film in the park" showing of Danny Dyer classic 'The Business'.

"With Danny's high profile because of 'Eastenders', it's the perfect time to relive some of his definitive performances in some of the definitive British movies of the past few decades," club secretary Jenny Cockshoot explains.

The film is a collaboration between three people known by film fans as the holy trinity of British cinema: director Nick Love and actors Danny Dyer and Tamer Hassan.

The film will be shown on giant screens at Central Forest Park in Hanley this Sunday afternoon at 3pm. All ages are welcome to see the film. Admission is £3.