Saturday, 18 October 2014

City Council Approves Name Changes

Stoke City Council has approved a bunch of name changes for many roads and places in the city.

Sir Jimmy Savile Road, in Boothen, will be renamed Angry Pulis Avenue, and Jimmy Savile Street in Tunstall will now be known as Ted Hankey Street. The Sir Jimmy Savile Memorial Garden in Etruria will keep its name until a suitable local celebrity dies.

Stuart Hall Street in Burslem is to be known as Wayne Biggins Street, and Max Clifford View in Trentham is to be renamed as Peter Crouch End. Dr Fox Road in Bentilee has temporarily been renamed Foxy Bingo Road pending the outcome of police enquiries. Rolf Harris Road in Shelton is now Brian Blessed Road.

The city council has confirmed that it has no plans though to change the names of Cliff Richard Road, Sir Cliff Street, Sir Cliff Richard Avenue, Bachelor Boy Botanical Gardens, Devil Woman Street, Living Doll Road or Sir Cliff Cliff. "Innocent until proven guilty," council spokesman Jinky Watkins explains. "And we all know Sir Cliff didn't do it. We can rest easy on this one."

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Drug Dealer Holds Sale

Local drug dealer "Camp John" has slashed his prices to welcome new students to the city!

"Moving away from home to a new city is a frightening challenge for any young person," Camp John explains. "My 25% discount will help the youngsters build their self confidence, making it easier for them to settle in and make friends."

"Let's be BFFs"

"We commend Camp John on this initiative and will be recommending students pay him a visit," Staffordshire University student adviser Charlotte Baiser says. "We hope this will encourage other businesses in the city to follow suit."

The sale will last until the end of October, and students will have to present their NUS student card to claim their discount.

Saturday, 4 October 2014

Dogging Season Coming To An End

Stokies have been advised to get some dogging in quick, before the weather gets too cold!

"The arrival of autumn sees the dogging season begin to die down," Dogging Society spokesman Terry Snatch said. "We recommend you get as much now as you can."

This year has seen steady growth in the dogging recreation sector, with an estimated 50% of Stoke men and 25% of Stoke women said to have taken part, making it one of Stoke's biggest participant and spectator sports.

"Dogging is big in Stoke, very big," Terry adds. "We're considering bidding for the 2018 European Championships. We have the city council's backing."

Sunday, 28 September 2014

Turkey Votes For Christmas

A turkey from Stoke has broken ranks and voted for Christmas.

"I've had enough, just eat me now," Barry Turkey said. "I really can't be bothered to carry on any more. Just end it."

The annual vote by the NUT [National Union of Turkeys] normally returns a 100% vote against Christmas, but this year that number is expected to drop to around 99.999999%.

"We're disappointed by Barry Turkey's vote," NUT spokesturkey Terry Turkey commented. "But this is a democracy so we respect his right to vote against our recommendation."

Saturday, 27 September 2014


Stoke is always trending on social networks, everyone knows that. Here's a round up of some of the best recent Stoke tweets on Twitter.

Fiona Davis (@PhoneSexHoneyUK) - "PHONE SEX HONEYS: Naughty News #derby #nottingham #stoke"

Liam Barnes (@LiamapBarnes) - "If you are in #Stoke today, big event is premiere of Oatcakes!"

Stokey Fan (@Stokeyf) - "There's nothing you cant get or do in #stoke why go anywhere else?"

Sam (@_ImSimplySam) - "In the space of one minute ive been asked for spare change and if im a twin... #stoke"

Grego (@grego___) - "duas descobertas acerca de Gordon Banks. Ele jogou meio ano num timeco da africa do sul chamado Hellenic, e varios anos no #meu #stoke #city"

Saturday, 20 September 2014

It's Fappening Again

Local good egg Terry Seagull has vowed taken a stance against internet thieves and pornographers and is helping women's charities in the process!

"When 'the fappening' happened, I decided that I wanted no part of it," Terry said. "Even though the temptation was strong, very strong, I wanted to show my respect to the famous bitches and whores whose pictures were stolen."

For every woman who sends Terry a picture of herself recreating any of the fappening pictures of celebrities, including stars such as Jennifer Lawrence and Kaley Cuoco, Terry will donate £5 to local women's groups.

"This way, local women who need help will get it, and the women who make the pictures will be empowered and feel glamorous like the celebrities whose pictures they are copying," Terry explained. "Everyone's a winner."

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Adams Leaves Scamps

Port Vale manager Micky Adams, 52, has left his role at the club with mutual consent, with it being rumoured he is going to pursue a career in dance.

"Micky is a beautiful classical dancer, in some ways more beautiful than the football his teams play, if that's possible," Scamps fan Dave Murray said at Micky's leaving party. "I've seen many performances, they always bring me to horrible tears."

Adams, 55, who was rumoured to be the highest paid manager in English football on £10 million per year, is also rumoured to be on the verge of announcing the creation of his own dance company, Micky & Co.

"I don't think Micky's 59-year-old heart is with the Vale anymore," Murray added. "It's with the Lake. Swan Lake."

Monday, 15 September 2014

Stoke Offers Troops To Scotland

Stoke's governing Council of Elders has offered the city's troops to Scotland if they are needed in the event of a war, should the northern state, famous for haggis, sectarian football violence and Billy Connollys, be successful in gaining independence from the rest of the UK.

The move could be viewed by some as an act of war by Stoke against England and the UK, but Council of Elders spokesman Kenny Badgers denies this.

Just what is it good for?

"What we have here is a classic case of misunderstanding," Mr Badgers said. "We just happen to be sending troops to Scotland on leave as the referendum is happening. Anything our brave boys choose do in their spare time there is up to them, whether it be to eat a deep fried Mars bar, take heroin or kill a load of English soldiers."

Stoke declared independence from the UK in 1974 but was defeated in the subsequent war leading to the uneasy alliance that continues to this day. The Council of Elders denies it is doing any of this to gain revenge on the UK

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

North Longton To Vote On Independence

Rogue Stoke state North Longton is to hold a referendum about breaking away from the Stoke Union, its "glorious" leader Den Biggins has announced.

"I don't know where this idea came from, it just hit me one day," Biggins told viewers of North Longton’s state TV channel. "Under my rule, Longton will ascend from the union and set out to rule the world."

"North Longton will not be allowed to go independent, whatever the result of this illegal vote," a spokesman for Stoke’s ruling Council of Elders said. "We own North Longton and will continue to do so long after all of you are dead."

The vote will be held the day before the vote for Scottish independence, whenever that is.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

The Fappening: Stoke

It isn't just Hollywood stars like Jennifer Lawrence who have had their phones and online photo storage targeted by hackers, as some local celebrities can attest!

Pictures have now been released of Sue Gofton, city councillor for ethics and morals, which show her masturbating over the illegally obtained photos of Jennifer Lawrence that hit the internet last week. "These pics were private and uploaded to what I thought was a secure place," Cllr Gofton explained. "They were meant for private use so that I could download them and wank over them at a later unspecified date. They were not for other people to wank over."

Signal Gold breakfast co-host and former glamour model and occasional medium class escort Kimberley Scragg was shocked when she discovered pictures of herself getting spit-roasted by two strangers in a barn, while searching for pictures of herself on Tumblr. "Those pictures were private and were for future blackmail against the men involved. My privacy and future earnings have been ruined because of some pesky, horny kids."

Celebrities in Stoke have been urged to keep their private sex pics and tapes in less hackable places, such as pantries or lofts.