Sunday, 12 April 2015

Man Raised By Wolves Decides To Move To Stoke

A man raised in the wild by Wolves has decided to settle down in Stoke.

Burt Cok, who was purchased as a child at an orphan auction by Wolverhampton Wanderers FC, better known as Wolves, explained why. "I'm sick of living in the wilds of Wolverhampton," he said. "I need some civility and class in my life and that is why I've chosen Stoke. Wolverhampton is like the Wild West."

Cok bears no grudges against the Wolves. "To be fair, the Wolves were good to me," he added. "Steve Bull was like an uncle figure to me growing up. Good times."

Monday, 6 April 2015

Tickets Please

Local fans of band The Worzels are in for a once-in-a-lifetime treat as one of their best-loved tribute acts has announced it will be coming to the city.

The Wrongzels have confirmed they will be playing in the Wayne Biggins Suite at the Britannia Stadium on 23 April. Tickets are expected to sell out fast so get your tickets quick! A 50% reduction applies for Stoke City players.

Saturday, 4 April 2015

Stoker AM

Stoke City fans prepared for their inevitable victory over Chelsea FC today by invading the TV studios of 'Soccer AM' on Sky Sports.

Wearing Stoke's traditional red and white stripe shirts, representing the club's beginnings as a hairdressers before becoming a football club, the lads from Stoke joined celebrity guests John Leguizamo, Mario Melchiot and some Man City fans or other no-one cares about.

One of the lucky fans even got to have eggs cracked over his head by Mario and John, every pervert's dream.

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Fenton Fenton Born In Fenton

Louise Scratchings got the nod she had hoped for this morning when Stoke's Council of Elders approved her calling her baby Fenton Fenton.

"Fenton's dad, Terry Fenton, would be so proud," she said. "If he had any interest in our child, whose paternity he disputes, or if we were still on speaking terms. I'll send a letter via our legal representatives."

The name had previously been rejected by the city council's naming department, but Scratchings appealed to Stoke's supreme rulers, the Council of Elders, themselves.

"This is an incredibly patriotic thing for Louise to do," a spokesman for the Council's spokesman said. "We feel the good outweighs the bad with this one, and the nipper's unlikely to go on to achieve anything anyway, so we gave it the literal nod."

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Toxic Fog Could Hit Stoke

A deadly fog currently devastating Yorkshire could be headed to Stoke, experts have warned.

"I went to Rotherham the other day, it was a total fucking shit hole," truck driver Kenny Batter said. "I have to assume that this was entirely due to the fog, and Rotherham was nothing like that beforehand."

Rotherham, yesterday

"A mixture of the deadly toxins of the fog and the deadly toxins that already exist in the everyday air in Yorkshire is a deadly combination," science expert Tab Purples said. "Though I'm no science expert."

RAF Trentham has been ordered to point its nuclear weapons at the sky in case the fog arrives.

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Stephen Milligan Day Under Threat

Next year's Stephen Milligan Day is in danger of being cancelled after Stoke Flex Ltd, the company who normally provide electrical cords for the celebration, went into liquidation.

"This would be a crippling blow to Stoke's social calendar," socialite Phoenella Smith-Smith wrote in her column in the Daily Gargoyle.

The day started as an ironic celebration by non-Conservatives of the death of Milligan, before Tories started joining in to try and reclaim the day, before pretty much everyone in the city started celebrating it as a city holiday.

"This is exactly how Christianity began," historian Paul Grundies said. "In 2000 years time, Milligan may be worshipped as a GOD."

Milligan died on 07 February in 1994, having a cheeky wank while strangling himself with electrical cord, dressed in stockings and suspenders, having a bin bag on his head and a drug-soaked orange segment in his mouth.

"Jesus died in slightly different circumstances," Grundies adds. "Though similarities exist."

Sunday, 15 March 2015

Stoke Roses Triumph

The Stoke Roses have been named best new band at the Stoke Music Awards, held last night at the Burslem Hilton.

The band, a tribute to The Stone Roses, were overjoyed.

"We're mad for it, our kid," the Ian Brown lookalike said.

"'Avin it large!" The Mani lookalike added.

"I'd like to thank my mum and dad, and God," the John Squire lookalike said.

The Reni lookalike had nothing to say.

The band also double as a Michael Jackson tribute act.

Other big winners on the night included Jonathan Wilkes, who took home the inaugural lifetime achievement award, Jonathan Wilkes, who won performer of the year, and Jonathan Wilkes, who won man of the year.

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Supervillain Threatens Revenge

Supervillain Doctor Destructo has threatened to rain death and destruction on Stoke after the city council rejected his plans to build a massive death ray in the city.

"Stoke is not ready for the pain I will inflict on it, muahahahaha," the evil genius said.

"This decision was not made on moral grounds," Councillor Jinky Watkins explained. "What the massive death ray will be used for is neither here-nor-there. What we object to is the culling of the residents and puppy dogs of Bentilee to make space for the weapon's construction. Bentileers are people too. Even if it doesn't always seem that way. They are not Bentilepers."

Doctor Destructo has the right to appeal the decision at a tribunal hearing.

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Comic Relief 2015

Local good 'un Terry Seagull has manned up and vowed to donate lots of money to Comic Relief this month!

Terry will give £2.50 every time a woman sends him a picture of herself wearing nothing but a red nose, up until the end of March.

"I'll still accept pictures after that but I won't be making donations," he said.

"I would prefer it to be a current 2015 red nose as well," Terry adds. "Don't want an older red nose unless absolutely necessary. And no men either. That won't work, I'll know the difference."

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Stokie Urges Stronger Welsh Links

Barry Tandy from Longton has urged Stoke City Council to forge stronger ties with the Welsh island Barry Island.

"If Stoke could twin itself with Barry Island, that would literally be superb," Tandy said. "A free trade agreement would be a good start, but I'm hoping for more."

Tandy denies that he only wants closer ties with the Welsh island, famous for being populated entirely with people called Barry, purely because of his name.

"The idea that I would make all this effort purely to further the Barry cause is slanderous, or maybe libellous, I don't know the difference," Barry said. "My lawyer, Barry Shenton, will be keeping an eye on social media and local blogs for such lies."