Sunday, 25 December 2016

2016 Review: May

A giant oil tanker travelling north on the River Trent collided with a booze cruiser, spilling 250 million gallons of oil into the river, causing massive ecological damage to the city, killing literally thousands of birds and fish, and ruining the river's beaches. Faced with a choice between trying to contain the spill or burning off the oil, Stoke City Council chose the latter, starting a fire that still burns to this day, polluting Stoke's air, but whose light has also led to a reduction in street lighting costs for much of the city.

Saturday, 24 December 2016

2016 Review: April

25-year-old call centre worker Nigel "Panda" Wilkins was arrested by police in Shelton after he was discovered to have been kidnapping elderly locals and keeping them in his cellar, making them act out scenes from classic sitcoms for his amusement. His scheme was foiled when burglars broke into his house and discovered the pensioners. The crims were hailed as heroes and Staffordshire Police allowed them to keep anything in the house they could fit into their hands and one swag bag as a reward. Wilkins escaped from custody when police officers forgot to lock his cell at night after playtime and is still on the run.

Friday, 23 December 2016

2016 Review: March

All hell broke loose in Hanley when a tiger with an assault rifle taped to its back called Terry was accidentally released by carnies passing through the city. Twenty confirmed kills later and the tiger was eventually cornered while eating sausage rolls at Greggs (the one by the Stanley Matthews statue, not the one near the Ryman stationery store). Terry had the assault rifle taken from it and was adopted by an elderly couple in Milton.

An impromptu party broke out in the middle of the M6 motorway after a lorry carrying disco balls tipped onto its side, spilling its cargo. Revellers partied until dawn, fuelled by anger against the current Tory government, and drugs passed around by a passing kind spirit.

Thursday, 22 December 2016

2016 Review: February

Valentine's Day in Stoke normally means one thing: riots! By angry young men! But this year, the riots never happened, as Stoke was hit by a series of tidal waves that quite literally washed the scum from the streets, and left the city under 30 feet of water. In the aftermath, Stoke reverted to a sea-based pirate culture where only the strongest and most vicious survived.

Elsewhere, a human shit in an adult playground in Fegg Hayes was discovered with the face of Jesus in it. A religious community was formed around the shit, leading to a shanty town being built at the site to house the Christians and their icon. A holy war broke out between the Christians and local heathens, costing the lives of thousands, which only ended when someone accidentally stepped on the shit.

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

2016 Review: January

2016 got off to an explosive start when a series of bombs were exploded by terrorist group ISIS during Stoke's new year celebrations. Tens of thousands died during the blasts. Fortunately, Jonathan Wilkes was not one of them; his panto co-stars formed a workable human shield protecting him from the blast.

The subsequent ground assault from ISIS troops swept through the city, until a joint team of paintballers and the Crackley Republican Army kept them at bay, buying troops at RAF Trentham time to load mini nukes into a giant metal robot called Tin Can Terry, which proceeded to blow itself up at the battle site taking out the ISIS group and most of Longton.

Monday, 1 August 2016

New Port Vale Shirt Is A White Fruit Of The Loom T-Shirt

Port Vale unveiled their new kit for the forthcoming season today to a wave of outrage when it was discovered that it is just a white Fruit of the Loom t-shirt that normally retails for around £3.

The £50 shirt, that comes with a club badge you have to sew on yourself, was shown at a press conference at Vale Park to fans and journalists, and described as a "back to basics" approach.

"This shirt shows the purity of the Vale," club managing director Tony Bates-Hulse announced. "We are the only clean and honest team in this majestic city, not at all like that dirty lot up the road with their unnatural stripes and naked headbutt fights in showers."

Vale also announced that stand alone versions of the recently unleashed new club badge will retail for £99 just in case anyone had any fruity ideas about just sewing one onto another t-shirt and ripping off the club.

"This is a flipping outrage," fan Kiki Fuchs said. "I didn't vote for Brexit to get ripped off like this by my own type. This is the kind of thing you expect from that lot of scroungers from Eastern Europe, not from fellow white Brits."

Bates-Hulse added that it was too late to change now as the club had already taken delivery of two million of the shirts and it was too difficult to return them all.

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Big Science News

A new scientific study has shown that people who use the crying with laughter emoji are the least funny.

"I'm pretty shocked to be fair," scientist Clam Jeffries, based at Staffordshire University said. "My girlfriend uses them at the end of every text and Facebook post and she's a right bubbly character."


The study analysed millions of social media posts by users throughout Stoke over the past three years using an algorithm that determines how funny something actually is.

"What we found was that the crying with laughter emoji seemed to be a trick to try and make people think that something is funny when it really isn't," Clam added. "It's used almost exclusively by women. I'm saying no more."

Saturday, 30 July 2016

Stokestarter

A Stoke City fan has set up a kickstarter fund to raise money to create transfer rumours linking Shaun Wright-Phillips with a move to the Pottermusses.

"This is the first transfer window for 6 years where SWP hasn't been linked to Stoke," Terry Wendy writes on the page. "Help me rectify this by giving me enough money to be able to quit my job as a solicitor so that I can focus my time entirely on creating rumours of him joining Stoke this summer."


The fund has so far raised £95,000 of the £125,000 target goal, with 7 more days to go. Stretch goals at £150,000 include a rap song about the diminutive winger and a mock up poster of him tying up Marko Arnautovic's topknot to all backers.

Wright-Phillips currently plays for New York Red Bulls in the USA of A, where he averages a goal every 19 games.

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Vale Announce New Club Badge

Local Endsleigh League team Port Vale FC have unveiled a new club badge ahead of the forthcoming football season.

Featuring symbols representing the club and its hometown of Burslem, the crest was designed by noted local artist Colin Muntford, best known for his statues of giant pigeons that adorn the streets and rooftops of Tunstall.

"This is the commission of a lifetime," Muntford told cheering Vale fans from the centre circle of Vale Park ahead of a pre-season friendly against Real Madrid. "I've got Vale in my blood, heart and gametes! Up the Scamps!"

The new badge will feature on the new Vale strip to be announced soon, as well as all official merchandise and letterheads.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Crouchy Hopeful Of England Recall

With the appointment of Sam "Big Sam Allardyce" Allardyce as the new England manager, insiders say that Stoke City legend Peter Crouch is hopeful of a recall to the national side.

"Big Sam likes to play aerial football," local football writer Dave Stevens explained. "As Crouchy is the proverbial head-on-a-stick, he would be perfectly suited to the style of play."


"Crouchy was outstanding last season," a member of Crouch's dance crew told EYE ON STOKE. "The stats of 2 goals in 18 games don't tell the whole story. He brought glamour to the Stoke dressing room, busted some new dance moves and inspired a generation, things few other players can boast."

Crouch last played for England in 2010, the year Leslie Nielsen died.