Thursday, 24 September 2015

Autumn Music Preview

Music fans know that the biggest time of the year for new album releases is autumn, so let’s look ahead to this year's most anticipated releases!... by local artists.

Bev Collies – "Super Busy"

Bev is known simply as "The Voice" by local music fans, who include Stoke's ruling Council of Elders, for whom she has performed on numerous occasions at Stoke state functions.

On her new album, the third part of her so-called 'Burslem Trilogy', Bev explores the dark side of human relationships, including songs about her time as a mercenary in the Congo and her six failed marriages. The deluxe edition of the CD includes five additional different versions of Carly Rae Jepsen's classic 'Call Me Maybe', including the freeform jazz cover already a hit on Stoke's club scene.

Ted Stumpies – "1989"

Ted's eleventh studio album, released on his own record label Ted's Boutique, is a song-for-song remake of Ryan Adams's song-for-song remake of Taylor Swift's "1989" album.

"I'm a big fan of Ryan's music," Ted explained. "I've already covered his cover of Oasis's 'Wonderwall', so this seemed like a natural step in my musical progression."

The Farmer's Conundrum – "The Ballad of Dave Holdcroft"

Stoke's number one folk band, now that The Queensberry Rules have split up, release their third album this year in late October. It features a host of popular folk standards including 'The Milk Maid's Bison', 'Ballad of the Bald Beardsmith', 'Ye Olde Bastard and the Drunken Butcher', as well as original songs like 'The Ghosts of Burslem Aldi', 'The Green, Green Grass of Fenton' and 'O'er the Valley I Did Lose My Oatcake'.

Barry Money – "Live at HMP Werrington"

Hailing from the country music stronghold of Stockton Brook, Barry's latest album sees him perform for inmates on death row at Stoke's notorious HMP Werrington.

Dropping classics like 'Shotgun Sharon' and 'Girl Named Barry' into his set along with new jams like 'The Hangman's Nissan', the crowd lap up Barry's performance right up until the end of the set, when they go on the rampage, killing guards and roadies with feverish abandon. The sound of the riot itself is only available as a pre-order bonus track on the digital download from Apple's iTunes store.

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Today's Sentinel Pulped Due To Printing Error

Three million copies of today's Evening Sentinel have had to be destroyed after a printing error lead to today's edition of The Daily Mail newspaper being printed off by mistake.

"This kind of thing happens all the time in the newspaper business," Sentinel editor-in-chief Barry Sentinel explained. "It's really not a big deal. Like, seriously."

"I only realised something was wrong when I noticed more pictures of posh society totty than normal," reader Scone Armatrading said. "I don't need to see bog-eyed girls with upturned werepig noses while I'm eating an oatcake."

"I didn't really see a difference," Peg Shifter commented.

"I thought it was funny there were no mentions of angry women from estates in Fegg Hayes getting ASBOs and shit," Big Dave Holdcroft added.

Copies of today's paper that were sold before the error was noticed have already become collector's items and are currently being sold on auction site eBay for thousands of pounds.

Sunday, 30 August 2015

Kuntz Torn, But Happy

Gunther Kuntz
Stoke City 0-1 West Brom Baggies

The world's number one Tony Pulis lookalike, Gunther Kuntz, has declared himself happy with the result of yesterday's game at The Brit, but is sad for Stoke.

"I was Stoke fan for much years, so ja, I see both sides of the pastry on this one," Gunther said at the post-match press conference. "I am most happy for Tony. He deserve the luck."

Pulis's job was made much easier when Stoke had two players sent off in the first half, both of whom were foreigners.

"I was touched by the reaction Tony got from the Stoke fans before the game," Gunther added, referring to the standing ovation for the former Stoke and current Baggies manager. "Tony milked those teets for all of the love, I think it made the Stoke fans and players lose an edge or two, helping the Baggies win."

Sunday, 23 August 2015

Swiss Day Ends In Disaster

Stoke's much vaunted Swiss day, held yesterday to welcome soccer star Xherdan Shaqiri to the city, ended in bloodshed when Stoke was invaded by warriors from Naples seeking revenge for their defeat by the Swiss in the War of the Seventh Coalition of 1815.

The day started as planned with Primark hosting a giant fondue party and triangles of Toblerone being given out in the city centre. This soon turned to bloodshed however when a Neapolitan tank rolled into the city centre and fired at revellers, killing dozens of people in tracksuits.

A platoon of soldiers followed the tank and laid waste to members of the public. Fortunately, a group of football hooligans, banned from following Stoke City to away matches, manned up and fought the Italian invaders.

The fighting was fierce but the Stokies eventually defeated the Neapolitans, sending them back to Italy with their tails firmly between their legs, where they belong.

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Stoke To Go Swiss For The Day

Stoke City Council has announced that the city will "go Swiss" for the day this Saturday to celebrate the arrival of Swiss footballer Xherdan Shaqiri to the club.

"Xherdy is a top, top lad," city councillor Jinky Watkins said. "It's fitting to welcome him to the city by sharing his Swiss heritage with the rest of the plebs who live here."

The celebration is being timed to coincide with Shaqiri's debut for the club away to Norwich City.

"Even though Stoke are away from home this Saturday, Stokies will get to do traditional Swiss things like eating fondue and drinking absinthe. Stoke will also go neutral for the day and not go to war with anyone," Cllr Watkins added. "We will also have a massive welcome card for Xherdy propped up against the Stanley Matthews statue in Hanley for people to sign."

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Transfer Gossip

Stoke City haven't been linked with Shaun Wright-Phillips this summer, something that soccerball fans are not happy about.

"It's become a tradition for us to be linked with the diminutive winger then not sign him," Stoke fan Gary Hammers said. "I don't know why it's not happening. He's out of contract, it would be easier than ever to link us to him, I don't know why no newspapers have made it up yet."

Former Stoke gaffer Tony Pulis, now manager of West Boing Baggies Brom, is a long term admirer of former Chelsea striker Didier Drogba, carrying a picture of the Ivorian in his wallet at all times. Drogba has been spotted in a chip shop in West Bromwich, fuelling rumours TP could finally get his man.

Port Vale are looking to shore up their canteen this summer and have been linked with an audacious move for Stanley Matthews Academy dinnerlady Phyllis Funk. "Phyllis serves an excellent mashed potato, something the Scamps are looking to bring to the club." A transfer fee of £500,000 is rumoured.

Sunday, 7 June 2015

Peter Of Packmoor

Peter Of Packmoor was a significant translator of books in Stoke in the eleventh century.

Translating books from Latin into pictures, he made literature popular and accessible for the common man, and was hailed a hero of his time.

Also known as Peter The Perv, most of the books he translated were graphic in nature, or had extra graphic materials added to his translated version. His version of the bible is largely sexual in nature.

He is remembered in Stoke in a statue tribute, currently residing in the cellar of Hanley Cathedral, though it once sat proudly in the city centre, right about where the Sir Stanley Matthews statue is now.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

EYE ON STOKE Nominated For Pulitzer Prize

Reader Doris Ahmed has nominated EYE ON STOKE for the prestigious Pulitzer Prize, regarded by many as the highest journalistic prize available in the world outside of Stoke.

Sending her nomination by post card to a PO Box address, Doris explains her nomination. "EYE ON STOKE always has top notch news in a top notch style. Their Peter Crouch coverage is superb. Overall: yes."

Despite being over 10o years old, Doris likes to keep up-to-date with the modern world. "I love the internet. It's pure filth. Nothing like this back in my day. If this is the kind of thing I get for having killed a bunch of Jerries in the two World Wars I fought in, then sign me up for some more. The Hun won't know what hit it. I'd love it if we beat them again, love it."

Saturday, 30 May 2015

Bogdor Library

The Bogdor Library, situated just north of the Fegg Hayes Royal Botanical Gardens, is a rare example of a British 16 century parish library.

Founded in around 1585 by Sir Bog Dorkins, it was established to provide an education for the choir boys of the local church, St Doug The Destroyers. It was later given to the church on a 750 year lease.

A large portion of the library still exists to this day and provides an insight into scholarship, religion and kiddy porn excused as art.

Most of the library's treasures are pictures of choir boys, in various states of athletic action and undress.

A definitive history of the Bogdor Library can be found in the book 'My choir boy likes to party all the time!' by Professor Hannah Stump-Bunting.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Wayne Biggins Winners

The monthly winners of the official Wayne Biggins drawing competition have been announced, and here they are.

"Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden

In first place is "Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden from Stockton Brook. He wins a signed picture of the man himself, a white Vauxhall Nova and entrance to the yearly champion of champions competition.

"Britannia Waynium" by Scott Barker

Second place is Scott Barker, with his picture "Britannia Waynium". Scott wins a year's supply of pikelets, courtesy of Munton's Pikelets.

"Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies

Third place is "Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies. Bev wins a date with a leading Wayne lookalike, after which she will be expected to put out.

"LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall

In fourth place is "LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall, aged 37. He wins nothing.