Thursday, 30 November 2017

Fit American Actress To Marry Sloppy Ginger Brit

Fans of good-looking American actresses are in uproar after it was announced American hottie Meghan Markle is engaged to retired British ginger Harry Windsor.

"This is an outrage," lads mag fan Kenny Tankard said. "Fit birds like this shouldn't be noshing off gingers, it's nonsense, not natural. I blame Ed Sheeran."

"Totty like this should be getting with cokehead actors who need money, pushing them into risque film roles and magazine photo shoots they wouldn't otherwise do," Stokie Gummer Matthews said in a YouTube comment section, gaining 43 more thumbs up than thumbs down.

Sunday, 19 November 2017

Stoke Demands Post-Brexit Hard Border

Reports have emerged that Stoke's ruling Council of Elders are going to demand a hard border between the city and the rest of Britain once the country exits the EU in 2019.

"I am not at liberty to disclose the thoughts of our glorious leaders," city council press secretary Barry Lemons said at his weekly press conference. "But it's clear that the will of the Stoke people is to take back control of our borders and stop cockneys and scousers from getting in."

How the proposed wall around Stoke will look

The hard border would involve building a giant wall around Stoke. "What's better is that we will make the UK pay for it, lol," Lemons added.

"The UK needs Stoke more than Stoke needs the UK," Timmy Yip SMP, member of the Stoke parliament for Chell, said. "That much is FACT. Leaving the UK again is our ultimate goal. We give £351 million a week to the UK, money we can spend on festivals and mobility scooters. A hard border is the first step in that direction, that's why we should push for it."

Sunday, 5 November 2017

Sunday Service - Politics Special

With Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Cobridge

There's been a lot of allegations about MPs abusing their power to get handsy with people. The only hand I ever use to touch people with is the hand of God and they are always grateful.

With the lack of trust in our MPs, it's now time we were governed by God and his disciples. I am prepared to form a government with other religious leaders (only ones from the correct religion though) and finally bring Britain into a new golden age where MPs are chosen by the shepherd (i.e. God) and not the sheep (i.e. the British people).

Gordon Brown says America misled Britain over the Iraq war. God has never misled me, nor anyone. Even the time he told me to take the church's delivery of red wine to my house, he was testing me and I knew the truth.

Saturday, 4 November 2017

Average Stoke Life Expectancy Rises Again

More good news for Stokies today as Stoke City Council announced that Stokies are living longer than ever!

"The average life expectancy for people in Stoke is now over 50 for the first time ever," councillor Jinky Watkins said. "If ever there was a time to binge on food, booze, fags and drugs, it is now."

The average Stokie can now expect to live to 50 years and 2 months of age, a one year increase on this time a year ago.

"This is largely down to the fact that the quality of drugs in the city has increased," local GP Dr Flip Mackenzie commented. "Better quality smack equals fewer deaths."

Monday, 30 October 2017

Nerd Punched For Not Shutting Up About How Good Super Mario Odyssey Is

Local gamer Derek Scragg found himself with reduced health earlier today when a work colleague punched him in the face!

Derek had spent the weekend playing the latest Nintendo Switch game 'Super Mario Odyssey' and decided to spend most of his day telling workmates how good it is.

"Aye, he wouldn't shut up about it," said the puncher, Terrence Pegg. "Just banging on about it all fucking day, did my head in. So yeah, I slopped his nut."

"I missed my chance at countering," Derek said. "I saw the warning symbol above his head but didn't press circle in time, as they say. It's a great game though, you really need to play it."

Monday, 16 October 2017

Stoke Turns Yellow As Storm Ophelia Gets Mad For It

Stoke got a yellowy glow for the first time in years today as Storm Ophelia blew sands from north Africa, making the sun appear red in the sky.

"This is the yellowest Stoke has been since the urine factory in Newstead exploded, sending a mist of stale piss across the city," environmental expert Humbert Leech said. "Good times."

Slowing drivers on the M6 caused massive pile-ups leading to thousands of deaths. Fortunately, most of this happened next to a morgue and cemetery for ease of collection.

Sunday, 8 October 2017

Student Of History

By Steve Hyde, libtard and proud.

I'm about to start my 15th different degree course at Staffordshire University this month, thirteen more than the next best student in the uni's history. This year, I will be studying history. I know how lucky we are in this country to have such an advanced education system as I have travelled extensively to many of the poorer parts of the world and have seen first hand how stupid many people in those countries are. I'm ashamed to say that I exploited their stupidity on many occasions for my own benefit, getting them to do humiliating things for very little money and filming it for easy views in monetised videos on my YouTube channel. I could remove those videos but prefer to leave them up as a reminder of my past failings, and I give 10% of the ad revenue to charity.

To my fellow students, I say: keep learning, comrades! Together, we can take down the Man!

Saturday, 24 June 2017

Brexit Means Fucking Brexit

By Dick Mellor

I wrote in 2013 about how much I want to wipe Britain's shitty arse of the dangling shit glob that was the EU, hanging out of our hairy arsehole, refusing to squeeze out and go down the shitter of history where it belongs.

I also campaigned vigorously during last year's glorious referendum, like a man a quarter of my age, full of vim and vinegar and proud British gametes, wanting to sow my EU-leaving seed into as many people as possible (figuratively speaking of course, I'm a happily married man and accomplished husband, as Mrs Mellor will testify to under oath, and has done on several occasions), making sure once and for all that we leave that stinking cesspool of corruption, eurocrats and foreigners behind us and get back to being the most powerful country in the world where we belong, looking down onto everybody else, spitting into their mouths when they are thirsty, pissing on them when they need a shower, chucking them leftovers when they need sustenance.

So when our supreme leader, our Aphrodite, our grey goddess Theresa May tells those limp-dicked, bent-titted, spunk-for-brains remoaning bastards that "Brexit means Brexit" I stand behind her, snooker ball-in-a-sock in hand, ready to crack some skulls and shit down some throats. End of.

Sunday, 14 May 2017

Money Saving Guidance

With cash boffin Ted Gash

With the economy going tits up quicker than a murdered hooker in the Dead Sea, it's important now more than ever to manage your finances and search for bargains. Fortunately, I am here to help.

Ted's Chambers in Hanley is home to Stoke's best barristers and is currently running a "family and lovers" special offer. If you use them for any criminal trial you have before the end of 2018, any relative or spouse who is also up in court within the same time frame will get 50% off their bill. It's always best to plan ahead.

Having sex is fun, so why let a lack of money restrict your possibilities? Condoms are pointless in the 21st Century, so don't bother with them. Either blast your load on your lady's titties or shag women who are unemployed and they can get the pill for free. Job done.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Uncle Terry Will Sort It Out

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Hi Uncle T, I've always been scared of showing my meat lolly to women cus I have what is known medically as a "micro penis". I really want some fanny but don't want to pay for it, what should I do? - Ted, Cobridge

I would say find yourself a nice girl who won't mind that kind of thing, but we both know that would be bullshit. You should look to Max Clifford as an inspiration; he, like you, had a tiny love snack, but through hard work and making himself wealthy and powerful, he was able to trick women into sorting him out.

Yo T-Dawg, my useleass boyfriend smokes weed all day and this makes him shit in bed, how can I get some hotter action? - Tracy, Milton

Tracy, men who smoke weed are useless. Assuming your man ain't going to be giving up the drugs any time soon, you need to get him on something sexier, something that will get his engine purring. My advice: get him on the cocaine. There's a reason that's the drug of choice for horny celebrities - because IT WORKS.

Terry, my mother-in-law is a right pain in the cock end, I want her out of the picture before she convinces my missus to leave me. How can I make it happen? - Nigel, Hanley

You have three paths: turn your bird against her mum, turn your nightmare-in-law against your bird, or get rid of your problem the old fashioned way. As EYE ON STOKE's lawyers have told me I can't advocate murder, that leaves the first two options. I would suggest finding a scheme that turns them against each other, like stealing from your wife's momma and framing your wife.